I am really fucking tired.
I'm physically exhausted, drained of power. I have no emotional energy left. I have no energy left at all. I can barely think, feel, or move. I need sleep. Two weeks averaging 2 hours per night, plus loads of Law School work. I went to the gym a few times I think. I need sleep. I don't have any coffee left, and I ran out a few days ago. Don't care to buy more.
People suck. Can't get to know them. Don't really want to, to be honest. Most are retarded. The rest are boring. Some of the girls are cute. The cool ones are all married, engaged, or otherwise unavailable. Most wont care to look at me too long. Can't blame them, and avoiding conversation is good. No regrets later, that way. Don't have time to obsess over what I said wrong.
It seems like relationships are a grocery store during the fucking zombie apocalypse. Everyone's in a mad dash to get the best while they can, and those of us that showed up late to the party or weren't willing to trample everyone in our quest for the best are left to fend for ourselves among the scraps. I know it's not really like that, but fuck man.... this is bullshit. Everyone is insane or has some horrible flaw. I guess I'm not different, so perhaps I shouldn't be surprised.
It would be nice to find someone to fall in love with. For real this time, no one-way bullshit, if it isn't mutual then it isn't love. Tired of heartbreak. Just tired of it. It doesn't heal with time, it festers until you replace it. Doesn't look like it's going to happen though. Nobody wants to be with some emo fuckwad, and neither do I. Hard to be confident. Too much effort, no energy. I should spend more time on my work... worrying about shit I can't change isn't going to solve any problems.
Made $5,000 today. Spent about half of it. I hope my luck continues. Thank fuck for that. If I had to worry about that shit I don't know if I could do this. It's very hard. Bad thoughts about ex lovers. Good memories. Painful memories. Forget all the bad, just remember the good. Slight desire to strangle current boyfriends, but that's understandable. Would never act on it. Can't complain though; I dug my own grave back then. Want time machine so I can go back and kick my own ass a few hundred times.
Went to the doctor the other week. Urologist. Haven't been able to piss right since I hit puberty. Nobody knows what the fuck is wrong. He checked me out. Conclusion: old Doc was foolish. Medication is terrible. It solves some symptoms. Fucks up heartrate. Sinuses congested. Sniff like a cokehead all day in class, what do people think? 100% sober, don't even drink. Don't want to. Doc says my nerves might be fucked up. Problem with the base of my spine. Doesn't hurt, but could disrupt signals. Would be nice to have a bladder that felt larger than a fucking thimble. Would be nice not to have to take pills all the fucking time. Pills are terrible for me. I just want to be fixed. I feel like a toy that was dropped during shipping. Right now I feel like I was run over by a bus. Hit me again motherfucker, I'll break your fender in half.
This is my last chance to prove myself. I have to succeed. Every time anyone has ever spit on me, looked down on me, or shaken their head in exasperation. Everyone who doubted me. I prove them all wrong this year. That is my purpose, that's all I have to do. Well, eating is pretty necessary too... and I like to take showers.
I'm going to bed.
And one last thing; I'm not looking for sympathy: I'm looking for camaraderie. I'm also looking for that one woman I was meant to be with, my lucky 13.
I'm physically exhausted, drained of power. I have no emotional energy left. I have no energy left at all. I can barely think, feel, or move. I need sleep. Two weeks averaging 2 hours per night, plus loads of Law School work. I went to the gym a few times I think. I need sleep. I don't have any coffee left, and I ran out a few days ago. Don't care to buy more.
People suck. Can't get to know them. Don't really want to, to be honest. Most are retarded. The rest are boring. Some of the girls are cute. The cool ones are all married, engaged, or otherwise unavailable. Most wont care to look at me too long. Can't blame them, and avoiding conversation is good. No regrets later, that way. Don't have time to obsess over what I said wrong.
It seems like relationships are a grocery store during the fucking zombie apocalypse. Everyone's in a mad dash to get the best while they can, and those of us that showed up late to the party or weren't willing to trample everyone in our quest for the best are left to fend for ourselves among the scraps. I know it's not really like that, but fuck man.... this is bullshit. Everyone is insane or has some horrible flaw. I guess I'm not different, so perhaps I shouldn't be surprised.
It would be nice to find someone to fall in love with. For real this time, no one-way bullshit, if it isn't mutual then it isn't love. Tired of heartbreak. Just tired of it. It doesn't heal with time, it festers until you replace it. Doesn't look like it's going to happen though. Nobody wants to be with some emo fuckwad, and neither do I. Hard to be confident. Too much effort, no energy. I should spend more time on my work... worrying about shit I can't change isn't going to solve any problems.
Made $5,000 today. Spent about half of it. I hope my luck continues. Thank fuck for that. If I had to worry about that shit I don't know if I could do this. It's very hard. Bad thoughts about ex lovers. Good memories. Painful memories. Forget all the bad, just remember the good. Slight desire to strangle current boyfriends, but that's understandable. Would never act on it. Can't complain though; I dug my own grave back then. Want time machine so I can go back and kick my own ass a few hundred times.
Went to the doctor the other week. Urologist. Haven't been able to piss right since I hit puberty. Nobody knows what the fuck is wrong. He checked me out. Conclusion: old Doc was foolish. Medication is terrible. It solves some symptoms. Fucks up heartrate. Sinuses congested. Sniff like a cokehead all day in class, what do people think? 100% sober, don't even drink. Don't want to. Doc says my nerves might be fucked up. Problem with the base of my spine. Doesn't hurt, but could disrupt signals. Would be nice to have a bladder that felt larger than a fucking thimble. Would be nice not to have to take pills all the fucking time. Pills are terrible for me. I just want to be fixed. I feel like a toy that was dropped during shipping. Right now I feel like I was run over by a bus. Hit me again motherfucker, I'll break your fender in half.
This is my last chance to prove myself. I have to succeed. Every time anyone has ever spit on me, looked down on me, or shaken their head in exasperation. Everyone who doubted me. I prove them all wrong this year. That is my purpose, that's all I have to do. Well, eating is pretty necessary too... and I like to take showers.
I'm going to bed.
And one last thing; I'm not looking for sympathy: I'm looking for camaraderie. I'm also looking for that one woman I was meant to be with, my lucky 13.
caell1933:
You know... My first impression of you wherever I clicked onto your name from wasn't good and I forget why now, but after reading through your blog... You're alright! Agree with you somewhat on the government and know exactly where you were coming from on relationships and people when you wrote this particular blog. Well said. There's jus one thing Dude. D'ya have to use s'many cus words? Okay Dude. Have it your way!