jcup

Im in the process of trying to quit smoking AGAIN. I fucking hate it. I get so stressed out about everything that smoking is my only release. I feel like it's the one thing that I have to keep me sane. What I really need is either a script for bars of valium (seriously) or a vacation to worry about nothing but myself. I think this last week has been too filled with setbacks and dissapointments. I work hard to try to make things go well. I feel as though all my work is for nothing. I want to feel like myself again and have some sort of hope for anything, but this last week has made me feel as though no matter how hard I try and how much I try to believe things will get better, nothing will change and the best thing I can do is scrap everything and start over again. That's what I usually do. I cant think of the last time I've done anything to make me feel good. I feel like I have to be strong all the time and help everyone else and put everyone else before me. The thing is that no one has anything to offer me. Im just falling into this fucked up depression that I need to get out of. I've avoided it for so long, but now it's like it's inevidable. Nothing is getting better. It's getting worse but Im getting better at ignoring the 400lb gorilla of a problem in the corner. I feel like everyone else's problems and life take rank over my own. I dont ask for it, but that's my situation with people in my life. IT's very toxic. I have been described from many of the people close to me as being the one to attract codependents in my life. Right now I need to be my own dependent. My life is miserable and it needs to change. I have no more I want to write. Im gonna smoke and go for a walk. Sorry to anyone who reads through this whiney pile of shit. I'll most likely change it soon. Just needed to vent.