I have never felt so lonely before. and that has such a massive effect on the way i live day to day. Yes it also has a good effect by inspiring me to create and look inward for that spark of life, but at the same time I have no one to feed off except myself. and as someone that has always relied on the interaction of others this makes it hard. But staying positive I am using this time to reflect on the life I have had so far, and where I am now, and then decide where I want to be in the future.
My life has become so sickenly normal. I work, go to the gym, talk on msn and browse the web and then head for bed. only to do the same thing the next day. Not too long ago I was waking up in Thailand in a beautiful bed casually strolling down to the beach side restaurant for a buffet breakfast, or making a phone call to my best friend from the top of the eiffel tower in Paris to talk about how i had the best time in London, or drinking sturm at a local bushashank (excuse the spelling) in Austria while it was in season. How can life now compare to the memories of the life I had for almost 5 months.
And even before I went away I was swept up and distracted by the arts. Having the distraction of local theatre consume my life so much for me to realise I wasn't gong anywhere or achieving anything. but at least I was active in something that made me happy and I was beauitfully oblivious to what I was missing out on. But after seeing and doing so many wonderful things, the life I left behind no longer has a shiny coat of ignorance to blind me from seeing what i now know is a nothing existence.
I live in a town where the most exciting thing is that pre season trainging for football has began, or that the rain we had on the weekend was the equvalent to a months worth. these things are insteresting to the locals and I welcome that. But to a local once removed and thrown back into the mix, these topics of conversation just sweep over my head as i dream about walking down the historic streets of Berlin. And to make things worse no one cares or wants to know about the amazing things I have done or seen. So i sit here in silence retelling the memories to the mirror so I don't one day mistake the things I have done for dreams.
for now I am dying... but this crushing of my soul will not be long lived. I am determinded to drag myself out of this hole and live the way only my neighbours would in their dreams. soon I will be living your dream once again.
My life has become so sickenly normal. I work, go to the gym, talk on msn and browse the web and then head for bed. only to do the same thing the next day. Not too long ago I was waking up in Thailand in a beautiful bed casually strolling down to the beach side restaurant for a buffet breakfast, or making a phone call to my best friend from the top of the eiffel tower in Paris to talk about how i had the best time in London, or drinking sturm at a local bushashank (excuse the spelling) in Austria while it was in season. How can life now compare to the memories of the life I had for almost 5 months.
And even before I went away I was swept up and distracted by the arts. Having the distraction of local theatre consume my life so much for me to realise I wasn't gong anywhere or achieving anything. but at least I was active in something that made me happy and I was beauitfully oblivious to what I was missing out on. But after seeing and doing so many wonderful things, the life I left behind no longer has a shiny coat of ignorance to blind me from seeing what i now know is a nothing existence.
I live in a town where the most exciting thing is that pre season trainging for football has began, or that the rain we had on the weekend was the equvalent to a months worth. these things are insteresting to the locals and I welcome that. But to a local once removed and thrown back into the mix, these topics of conversation just sweep over my head as i dream about walking down the historic streets of Berlin. And to make things worse no one cares or wants to know about the amazing things I have done or seen. So i sit here in silence retelling the memories to the mirror so I don't one day mistake the things I have done for dreams.
for now I am dying... but this crushing of my soul will not be long lived. I am determinded to drag myself out of this hole and live the way only my neighbours would in their dreams. soon I will be living your dream once again.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
jazabelle:
well at least i have one fan then 
no i will deffinately be writing more now. It does feel good to put your thoughts out into cyber space as a release of the soul and not for any bragging purposes 
no i will deffinately be writing more now. It does feel good to put your thoughts out into cyber space as a release of the soul and not for any bragging purposes 
animul:
to an extent i feel your pain, i never really went too far but when i came back to reality things were some much different and everyday is the same old boring crap. it really becomes a nasty cycle that doesnt seem to end. i am constently in search of something new but in my views i think i need to do something radical to make the dullness go away, if you ever need anything contact me i think we have a simalarity or two, plus i would love to hear more about your travels