jayye

so, thanksgiving is coming up and i will be spending it alone in my apartment. yay me. oh wait, first, ill be working in hell until 2, then ill be spending it alone in my apartment. yes. i got invited to bens, but ah, id feel awkward with someone elses family, and i dont really do holidays anyways. they just depress me. i look at everyone, and how happy they are, and how close everyone is, and i think either one of two things: a) theyre all being fake, or worse, b) they all really feel that way, except for me, whos always depressed and alone. holidays. blah.

my mom says i should start writing a letter to my father. even if i dont plan on sending it soon, i should at least start. on one hand, i think it would be a good idea. if anything, i can write all my feelings down and "get it all out", if i actually send it to him, id like to think it would do some good. but i know him, and i know it wont. he will either call me and lie to me, or call my family and lie to them. or, and this is very unlikely, hell apologize, say hes going to work on things, and everything will be ok for a few weeks until he decides im not good enough for him again and cuts me out of his life... again. either way, im the only one that will get anything out of this, and that "amything" will probably be "fucked over".

i havent modeled in months. i feel to fat/ugly/unhappy to be in front of the camera right now.
i also havent had a sex drive in months. the thought of even the word sex just disgusts me.i really dont know what happened there... but its quite unsettling...

i just feel dead lately. i wake up go to work come home go to sleep. the only feeling ive had for the past couple of weeks is "sick".

im just a miserable person right now, and i know i shouldnt be this way. i do have a lot to be thankful fo. i just cant snap myself out of this :/