FUCK J.J. ABRAMS, FUCK MATT REEVES, FUCK DREW GODDARD, and FUCK CLOVERFIELD!!!
DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE!! IT BLOWS ASS AND REMINDS YOU OF WHY BLAIR WITCH PROJECT ACTUALLY SUCKED!!!!
I thought I was mature enough to take a movie as simple entertainment that either did or didn't work for me. But I am so fucking furious that I want to beat the living shit out of J.J. Abrams, his writer, and his director.
PLEASE FIND ME, YOU FUCKS!!!! I WANT YOUR ASSES IN A PARKING LOT
to the motherfuck degree!!!!
Edited to Add:
No spoiler consideration here. . . THESE ARE THE MAIN POINTS OF WHY THIS MOVIE IS A STINKING PIECE OF SHIT!!
1. You don't get a clear shot of the monster - the clearest shot is from a helicopter, at which point the monster is partially blocked by buildings, its not a recognizable shape, so you can't pretend to know what it looks like, and the shit gets lost in a fog of explosions and smoke.
2. The characters, while recognizable as people that we might associate with, are two dimensional and uninteresting. There are clear-cut relationship storylines, but the actors are nothing special and the characters are not distinguishing in the least bit. Just your average, run of the mill, superficially operating twentysomethings.
3. The story is too simplistic. Like War of the Worlds, the only conflict is surviving long enough for the characters to get from one part of town to the other. And that could be cool, as long as some cool stuff happens along the way. Aside from one chick exploding in a burst of blood (that you don't really get to see very well), nothing does. Some looting, some walking around a deserted city, meandering in the dark, etc. That's it.
4. The only thing that the shakicam effect has on the film is to remind us of why Blair Witch failed. Add some earthquake, running, and general hysteria and you end up losing perspective of the characters surroundings. Unlike where a "standard" horror film has close ups where something can jump out from the side of the frame at any moment, you're too busy trying to get your bearings for anything to jump out at you.
5. The music offends my sense of being a monster movie fan with its closing credits music. That track is quite beautiful, loud, imposing, and worthy of a good monster film, but it does not belong on a piece of shit like this. How dare the people who put this film together think they deserve such music. They deserve a test pattern audio tone.
5. Everybody dies, and there is no epilogue, post-script, or anything to communicate what ever came of the story. Just credits. Not even anything good after the credits.
And in case none of this convinced you, perhaps if you hear me say it verbally. . . .
DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE!! IT BLOWS ASS AND REMINDS YOU OF WHY BLAIR WITCH PROJECT ACTUALLY SUCKED!!!!
I thought I was mature enough to take a movie as simple entertainment that either did or didn't work for me. But I am so fucking furious that I want to beat the living shit out of J.J. Abrams, his writer, and his director.
PLEASE FIND ME, YOU FUCKS!!!! I WANT YOUR ASSES IN A PARKING LOT
to the motherfuck degree!!!!Edited to Add:
No spoiler consideration here. . . THESE ARE THE MAIN POINTS OF WHY THIS MOVIE IS A STINKING PIECE OF SHIT!!
1. You don't get a clear shot of the monster - the clearest shot is from a helicopter, at which point the monster is partially blocked by buildings, its not a recognizable shape, so you can't pretend to know what it looks like, and the shit gets lost in a fog of explosions and smoke.
2. The characters, while recognizable as people that we might associate with, are two dimensional and uninteresting. There are clear-cut relationship storylines, but the actors are nothing special and the characters are not distinguishing in the least bit. Just your average, run of the mill, superficially operating twentysomethings.
3. The story is too simplistic. Like War of the Worlds, the only conflict is surviving long enough for the characters to get from one part of town to the other. And that could be cool, as long as some cool stuff happens along the way. Aside from one chick exploding in a burst of blood (that you don't really get to see very well), nothing does. Some looting, some walking around a deserted city, meandering in the dark, etc. That's it.
4. The only thing that the shakicam effect has on the film is to remind us of why Blair Witch failed. Add some earthquake, running, and general hysteria and you end up losing perspective of the characters surroundings. Unlike where a "standard" horror film has close ups where something can jump out from the side of the frame at any moment, you're too busy trying to get your bearings for anything to jump out at you.
5. The music offends my sense of being a monster movie fan with its closing credits music. That track is quite beautiful, loud, imposing, and worthy of a good monster film, but it does not belong on a piece of shit like this. How dare the people who put this film together think they deserve such music. They deserve a test pattern audio tone.
5. Everybody dies, and there is no epilogue, post-script, or anything to communicate what ever came of the story. Just credits. Not even anything good after the credits.
And in case none of this convinced you, perhaps if you hear me say it verbally. . . .
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
i thought that was pretty awesome.
i WILL NOT see Cloverfield.
I heard people were getting sick!