jayne

the silence makes the long ride home hard to bear. left alone with just my thoughts, the fifty-eight minutes and thirty-four seconds seem a lot longer than they actually were. my mind not resting on any one thought for too long, jumping to the next at a whim. the white lines race past me, i can hardly concentrate on the road ahead. it's as if i'm on autopilot, i don't remember half of the road on the way home. once home, i begin to realize how alone i am. no one to come home to, no one to call, no one to find waiting for me to talk to. the kind of alone that sinks deep into your bones and utters a burning chill through your body. i realize i'm in a place that i haven't been in years, trying to pick up the pieces is harder than i recall. my head pounds as the tears begin to roll off my cheeks, steam rises from my face into the evening air. i look up to find the moon and stars, but they are shrouded in a blanket of clouds this evening, not even a glimmer to spark my spirit. inside my friendly faces await me, they're my saving grace, yet they still dont' fill my void. it's early yet, but the thought of crawling into my warm bed is inviting. i cry myself to sleep, and fall into a dreamless slumber for several hours, until i wake to my nightly ritual of insomnia. i awake with a start, then realize there is no one beside me, the bed is cold, and my naked body is covered in chills. i stumble out of bed and find my robe and pull on a pair of warm pants. i stumble downstairs to find my lonely couch in front of my humming television that i keep forgetting to turn off. i sit down and let my eyes adjust to the bright light. what is playing on the screen, i can't tell, and don't recognize. but i watch all the same. after a few hours of nothingness, i return to my empty room, and lay down in my empty bed, i stare at the dark ceiling until i forget how to breathe.