jayhel

So I've been sick for the last three days or so. I can't seem to stay awake by day and can't sleep at night. It has all become this dreadful daze. To top it all of, I haven't been this busy in months. It's like suddenly the world is kicking me while I'm down. It's all meetings and deadlines and people trying to fuck me over. Simple tasks that usually take me minutes are taking hours. I find myself making stupid mistakes. I'm really having a hard time finding my nitch in life. I feel so trapped in my current situation. The rest of the world feels so far away. It's always the same thing; stress about work, fantasizing about a greater life, procrastinating work, stressing more, get pressured It's an evil cycle. Maybe I'm just lazy, but work seems so pointless. But a man's got to eat, right? I loved being a full time student, then I had all the time in the world, but no money, now I got money but I got no time. I miss the unexplored ambition of youth. At let's say nineteen, I had all these dreams and aspirations and the possibilities were endless. Now I'm 26 my dreams unfulfilled and that 19 year old boy inside me haunts me for that. I need to do something drastic. My fianc and I have been talking about working in the east for a while, then traveling the world, but it seems so far away. We thought of this last year around this time, we got all exited and if everything worked out the way it should have we would be working in Korea now. But her studies are taking longer than expected. At least she will be a doctor by the end of the year. So in the meantime I got myself in a contract that I'm hardly meeting as it is. It expires September so I have to stick around at least till then. I sometimes wish I was still working in the book store. Then I could just quit and go. All these long term shit and building a career is all bull shit in the end. How does that saying go; 'Life is what happens while you are doing everything else'


But hey, I try to stay optimistic. I look on the upside. I'm half way to 52, so there is still time to do a lot of things I wanted to do. I have a wonderful fianc that I love to death; I have a bunch of weirdo friends that make me laugh a lot. What more can one ask for? My mind is open and my soul is restless. Experience is the point of my existence. I need new experiences. I think that's one of the things that brought me here. I'm just rambling now but you get the point

You are all beautiful.
Good night