jaybugg

Looking inside one's self and more so dissecting yourself is one of the hardest things to do. It makes me proud to know I have that ability to see why I react in certain ways, with minimal bias. When the mood strikes me to write something half way intelligent that I do not mind sharing, I enjoy posting it for public consumption, to see of any feedback, and for an easy way for me to take a step back for some time and reflect, and reread the content to see if anything was miswritten or what could be improved of expressing.

An Insight of Bi Polar Non-Specified: The Cycle of Paranoia, Anger, Schizophrenia, and Narcism, and the Return to the Feeling of Hope.

Part One: Cycle of Chaos in the Mind

I am wondering if people who have erratic moods swings have an easier time being depressed than I do with my neurotic paranoia/ fits of anger/ wishes of chaotic events.

Sad seems so easy to get over. Even though I am calm on the outside, all the while the literal feeling of sickness worms through my body. My stomach, chest, and the back of my head, making my temples throb and each breath shudder. That pressure on the back of the base of my skull is like a very warm hand slightly pushing on it.

The frustration builds and bubbles under my skin until it melts through and I simply become hostile for any given time, hours or days.

Nothing in particular triggers this short term cycle, however it seems to be occurring during moments of "quiet", or when events are overall calm, and even at times when an overabundance of pleasantness happens.

I get a lapse in short term memory, and fits of the inability to concentrate on anything except single minded tasks, or in times of severe anger over concentrating and not being a flow of attuning myself to anything around my environment.

Some doctors have offered meds which I refuse on the premise this is who I am, this is what I have become, and medications will only destroy everything I have built. That and my career would be crushed to nothing.

Others have said there isn't much they can do as I have such a multitude of symptoms for different "diseases".

I am not suicidal, I do not cause physical violence on others without reason, and only rarely have I gotten verbally violent without provocation.

I read emails/messages of loved ones, and in the back of my mind, I speak to myself usually something along the lines of telling myself they don't give a damn, or merely tolerate me, or glad that I am far away (most people I know do not live in the same area as I) Even visiting my friends in Ohio where I am from, I get this sense that I do not belong in Dan's house, or walking on Mindy's farm holding her hand.

California, Toronto, North Carolina, each of them are almost just as tense to me the times I have gone, and for the places I have lived like Maryland, and Korea, and now here, I get that same tension, like I do not belong. Even my mother's house in North Carolina seems like a stranger to me, I am allowed in but not wanted for long.

I want to watch the world burn, to stand on the edge of existence and see it all come crashing in flames, and choke on the ashes.
I want to hit the nearest person looking at me, staring at the ugliness in me
I want to scream at people, who laugh when I am near, thinking it is about me
I want to severe everyone and move out of the country again, though I know the first part would be nigh improbable.

The trouble, and heartache my mentality has caused is great, but what I have to put up with it is far greater.

I know enough of genetics to know they play the primary reason. However as someone who observes social interaction and its effects on the individual, I am fairly sure I could pick apart my life and find the personality altering moments, like a highlight reel.



Part Two: A Cycle of Hope for This Life

As this cycle ends, the other side of the coin turns on its' head and the emotions and attitudes do almost a perfect 180.

My feeling of narcism melts into a simple assurance that I have an exceptional I.Q, whose pattern of intelligence is sporadic in subjects and degrees of them, ranging from philosophy, biologics, Japanese swordsmanship, poetic arts, military intelligence, etc.

The beauty of not really fitting into any specific place, or with any particular people, is the ability to have a sort of sample of almost any place and lifestyle. I am not easily bound by roles. I can mesh with the norm as easily as people outside the norm, and I am interested in almost every culture in some way. The partial downside to this is I know simply that I will not belong or relate to anyone or anything as well as others do.

Paranoia and schizophrenia gives way to a need to love and to even give my life for anyone I want in my life, to give that greatest honor, which is my death for someone I care for, and my only wish is to see them smile, so I feel that need by giving them my attention, gifts, and attempt any favors asked of me.

Anger is overcome with a sense of hope that I can further better myself with already the knowledge I have accomplished far more than many I have met, and to achieve far reaching goals of mental quests; to write a book, or at least a short story novel, to better understand the full complexities of existentialism, humanism, and sociology, and to become a better lyrical artist.

I want to make my mark in this world, whether it is a small temporary mark, or to know someone's full life has changed in amazing ways because of what I have done.

And as a final reason, as a form of penitence for all the wrong I have done.

This world gives you a brief glimpse of complex, colorful, chaotic moments before you are laid to rest. I would never trade my hatred and sickness for any stability in existence.

"Life is temporary; the silence of death is forever. So scream as loud as you can, while you can, because when Death knocks on your door, all you can do is open it and ask him what took so long to hear you." ~ J.M.