First things first: Blog Homework from Rambo's thread.
2/27: Share an experience you have had or friendship you have made through SuicideGirls
This one is interesting, because I used to be a member many years ago. Initially, I joined the site because my friend did a few sets, and I had heard it was a social community. Sounded great to me, so I signed up. Over time, I grew comfortable enough to actually meet a few members in person at local events. Since I have returned, I see that said members haven't been active since shortly after I left the site, which is saddening. They were great people, and welcomed me at a time when I still had no idea where I was supposed to "fit" (I have since simply stopped trying to fit anywhere).
Which, oddly enough, leads me to what I wanted to talk about today:
Work.
Since I'm "new" here, I feel I must explain a bit. About five years ago, I discovered something about myself that allowed me to start really dealing with my depression and anxiety. Turns out I love working with my hands. Initially this started as small crafts, models, things like that. Eventually that led to woodworking projects nearly every weekend and me seeking out a local MakerSpace where I could have access to some machines and tools for larger projects.
Now, here is a bit about employment. I have always worked retail or restaurants, neither of which I was ever happy in. Some people can be, but I was intensely miserable, mostly because of the way people treat you and that there never seemed to be a reward or tangible result from all my hard work. I can get more into that later if someone wishes, but for now it is suffice to say that I needed to do something else.
When my grandmother's dementia and health issues began to get worse, I jumped at the chance to take care of her. Not only was she a big part of raising me, since both my parents worked their asses off, but I also felt this would be my chance to try and be something useful to someone. I did that for three years, and while it was stressful and demanding, I made it through a better person. So, that plan worked, I guess.
Then she was put in a nursing home around Christmas of 2014, because her health worsened well beyond what I was capable of managing. She required trained medical professionals, and I had to let that happen, which forced a very sudden change in my life. Taking the opportunity of having been out of the work force for over three years, I figured this was time for a fresh start, and began searching for jobs where I could learn new skills and work with my hands.
Indeed, I found one, and have been at it for a bout six weeks now. Before I say anything else, let me preface this by making it clear that I like the job, the company, and the guys in the shop. They have given me the exact opportunity that I was seeking, and I could not be more grateful.
The problem is I'm failing them. I'm still making some of the same mistakes I made in my first week, and it is infuriating me to the point where I want to scream. Normally I am very good at picking up on new knowledge, but for the past few weeks I have been just floundering like a fish out of water, and I cannot figure out why. What I'm doing in the shop isn't rocket science, and really, anyone should be able to pick it up, so I basically feel like a complete idiot lately because I go in there and screw up really simple stuff like rough cutting steel bars for the lathe guys to make bolts out of. Yet, I can go home and design, cut, build and coat a nice computer desk or whatever, from start to finish, completely by myself.
I don't know, perhaps I'm not cut out to be a machinist and given that everyone in the shop has been nothing but patient and helpful with me, I'm starting to wonder when the hammer will drop and they get fed up with my mistakes. Of course, I'm trying to go in there every day, and double check, often triple check my work, but I cannot seem to shake this fear that I am simply not good enough for this, and that is rather disappointing.
It is one thing to have others be disappointed in you, but something else entirely to be disappointed in yourself.