jasxo

So I don't care if anyone reads this or responds... But I'm having a really shitty past week because its been so long since I've seen my son.... He's 4 and his father has custody... I was young and doing alot of bad things and he took advantage of that and took me to court without me knowing (he signed the papers saying I got the notice but I didn't) and now I live in California... and he lives in Maine..

I dont regret coming to cali or anything I did in between.. I'm clean now and have a normal, adult, responsible life.. and I'm happy... except I want my son with me.. I don't even know how tall he is now.. I don't know if he's too big to pick up and carry... I don't know what cartoons he watches....

I know its for the best right now... I know I had to leave there to get myself better.. And I never liked his father from the start. I just wish his father wasn't such an asshole and understood that this isn't fair to either my son or myself. I know Kaiden's gonna be the one hurt because of him keeping him from me... But I also know that soon, hopefully within the next 6 months I'll be completely off the methadone.. I'll have my license and a good job... ( I have one now but don't have income) and I'll be able to take his father to court and get joint custody.. I'd go for full custody but I know that our lifestyle here doesn't allow for it.. Plus unlike his father I wouldn't keep my son from seeing both his parents..

I just feel like i fucked up so bad... I feel like I forget to call too much because of the time difference.. and I talk to him a lot on webcam but sometimes a week or so goes by before I even talk to him.. And its not usually my fault. Usually his father won't let me talk to him. But I feel like I should try harder.. I know that I'm doing the things i need to do to make things better for him in the future but I just can't help feeling lilke I'm failing him hardcore... Like he hates me and I don't know what to do...

I really want to go visit him soon but I don't know if his father will let me see him without telling me I have to sleep with him if I want to see my son (like he did last time i was there) I mean if I were paying for it myself then whatever but I hate asking my bf for the money and I know alot of shit is going on right now that make it hard to spend that much money to travel...

Fuck... I could write all night but I think this is making it worse...