januar

so i've obviously lost my "voice" lately ...

i want to write something thrilling ... fascinating ... inspiring ... or, at the very least, something genuine.

i'm tired of all my recycled "boo-hoo" emotions.

i'll tell you what i want (what i reallyreallywant). i want to have a crush on someone. if there are any among you who have a crush - even an unrequited one - consider yourself lucky. my little brother says that's ridiculous. that i wouldn't understand how awful that feels because i've always "ensnared" my crushes. maybe that's true. it's just what i want.

so in that spirit, and with the acknowledgement that i have lost my voice, i would like to share a poem i wrote over 10 years ago. anyway ... i hope to regain my voice someday.

The Crush I Have ...

did i forget to tell you again?
i keep meaning to
when I see you
but my voice gets
stuck.

i know you're not looking
but guess what's found you?
guess what i feel?
i feel...

did i forget to mention
as you passed me by?
i forgot my voice
functioned only on adrenaline.

forgot to tell you.

did i forget to look into your eyes?
i meant to.
i meant to show you these words
... in my head.

i forgot to smile, i forgot to let them out ...
the words.

because i couldn't get past the rush.
the crush i have and the rush you give me ...
the anxiety i feel when you pass!

how to touch you? how to move you?
how to ask you to meet this glance?
perhaps a smile would tell me
but none ...
i am trapped in the second
and released ....

and nothing's occured but
the crush.

1/27/94

i know it isn't great, but i've always liked it.


cuz i'm bluuuuuuuuuuue.