i have this girl*space*friend who loves this idiot guy. and, though i want to tell her every single time she calls me to SNAP OUT OF IT, i don't. i give her the best advice i can, hope it gets through, and then do the actual thing that she calls me for - which is listen.
now ... someday, when she actually gets over this guy, i think the last thing i would do is say, "oh ... you guys will talk again ... i know how you two operate." why? because that does nothing to inspire a person's confidence. absolutely nothing. what it DOES do, is remind them of every mistake they ever made and make them question their own ability to get past something. AND make them wonder why someone who has been listening all this time would assume that about them right away. it kinda makes you feel like, "um ... haven't you been listening?!?"
the changes i have made in my life are real. i have evaluated the worth of certain people and thrown them into their respective toss/keep bins - and not easily, either. i am no longer the same down-n-out gal i used to be. i no longer have this hopeless view of life. for 25 years, my internal soundtrack was, "want to die want to die want to die". now, in my 28th year of life, i am honestly happy. maybe because at some point you make peace with the idea that life doesn't owe you anything. maybe because you realize that you can make do with all of the things you have been blessed with.
this certainly does not mean i don't have insecurities. besides the bagillion pounds i wish to lose, my biggest insecurity is about my past. and let me just say, that relatively speaking, it is nothing. nothing compared to the "ride the wave" lifestyle that most people have. but to me it was something shameful. and recovery is day to day. my victories are phone calls i don't answer, emails that will never receive a reply, flowers i don't acknowledge. i don't engage the enemy.
so what's my problem? i don't let that many people get close to me. not that i don't wear my heart on my sleeve, not that i won't tell you what i'm thinking/feeling if you ask, not that i mind answering personal questions. but i don't let many people become a part of my ever reclusive life.
cuz when i do ... it hurts 12 times worse when they throw me in the toss bin.
question is ... am i truly insecure? maybe i think too highly of myself and am easily insulted when you don't treat me the way i feel i deserve. haven't figured this one out yet ...
now ... someday, when she actually gets over this guy, i think the last thing i would do is say, "oh ... you guys will talk again ... i know how you two operate." why? because that does nothing to inspire a person's confidence. absolutely nothing. what it DOES do, is remind them of every mistake they ever made and make them question their own ability to get past something. AND make them wonder why someone who has been listening all this time would assume that about them right away. it kinda makes you feel like, "um ... haven't you been listening?!?"
the changes i have made in my life are real. i have evaluated the worth of certain people and thrown them into their respective toss/keep bins - and not easily, either. i am no longer the same down-n-out gal i used to be. i no longer have this hopeless view of life. for 25 years, my internal soundtrack was, "want to die want to die want to die". now, in my 28th year of life, i am honestly happy. maybe because at some point you make peace with the idea that life doesn't owe you anything. maybe because you realize that you can make do with all of the things you have been blessed with.
this certainly does not mean i don't have insecurities. besides the bagillion pounds i wish to lose, my biggest insecurity is about my past. and let me just say, that relatively speaking, it is nothing. nothing compared to the "ride the wave" lifestyle that most people have. but to me it was something shameful. and recovery is day to day. my victories are phone calls i don't answer, emails that will never receive a reply, flowers i don't acknowledge. i don't engage the enemy.
so what's my problem? i don't let that many people get close to me. not that i don't wear my heart on my sleeve, not that i won't tell you what i'm thinking/feeling if you ask, not that i mind answering personal questions. but i don't let many people become a part of my ever reclusive life.
cuz when i do ... it hurts 12 times worse when they throw me in the toss bin.
question is ... am i truly insecure? maybe i think too highly of myself and am easily insulted when you don't treat me the way i feel i deserve. haven't figured this one out yet ...
i've spent the last year holding the hand of a friend who has mental health issues, and who is often self-sabotaging. through the whole time, i've had in the back of my head that for all the help i get her, she'll do it again. but i can't let on...my mantra to her is always positive and forward looking. but i know in my heart of hearts that she'll self-sabotage again.
it seems like you have a lot of things figured out already. or at least your realize that they'll resolve themselves if you just enjoy life, and be thankful for what you're given. that's where i'm at...after several years of sobriety and working hard to open my eyes to the world. i've had to work hard to break free from the immediacy of emotions, to maintain balance, to be just me when others are expecting something different.
insecurity is a difficult condition to address. it's easy to say "i think highly of myself and deserve to be treated well," but much more difficult to shrug it off when someone give you a slight. it took me a year of counseling (:blush
just in passing i'll note that i've only seen your face, but i certinaly don't see a bajillion extra pounds as a possibility.
your comment about reincarnation as a cat was very precient. i just took another pciture of the kids today and was going to post it in my jounral with just such a thought--that if i am to be reincarnated, coming back as a cat wouldn't be a bad thing.