jalan

Ok all better now, last night's vague blog was simply the result of a failed mission on my part. The mission was to get drunk and write a whole shit ton, however, I do not drink often and when I do I have like a glass of wine, or a beer, sometimes two. Last night was my ex's birthday party at my old favorite bar, we are still good friends so I was happy to go out and celebrate with her and her boyfriend and a whole bunch of people that I have known for many years but it was stranger for me than I imagined it would be, and I ended up drinking more than I had planned on. 7 drinks of varying make and model including: Whiskey and Cokes, Seven and 7 and Jager Bombs, and by the time I got into bed and had my laptop I was seeing doubles. Very hard to type like that I discovered, so I abandoned any further attempts at it after 30 minutes of typing sentences and then deleting them when I couldn't even make sense of what I was typing. It's probably for the best though because I was a tad more emtional then I feel comfortable admitting, honestly. She has had many "boyfriends" since me but none of them were serious and last night I saw her happy with a guy of admirable character, I liked him a lot and am happy that she found someone of quality, and from the looks of it they may be together a long time.
Seeing her like that though reminded me of when we were kids and things between us were good, when we were happy with each other. I guess it also reminded me of how lonely I am. It brought up a lot of things in me that I have ignored and put from my thoughts and was unexpectedly painful. I guess that there may be some things there I need to address but don't know how to exactly, so I found myself sucking down drinks. Thankfully I was able to pull it together and still had a blast, I even sang some Karaoke, though I am definitely not gonna be kicking off my music career any time soon haha, cause I suck. Still had fun though, and that after all is the whole point of Karaoke.
I know it's not her specifically that I miss, and I truly am happy that she has found someone else, it's the past, and the way things were. I was happy in every sense of the word for a time, and that is what I miss... being happy. So I guess what I am feeling is normal, and writing about it now is making me feel better about things. So yay for that. Maybe I should look for a girlfriend instead of being a recluse, but maybe not, I have grown quite fond of having my bed all to myself over the years and I feel kind of like I have missed my window as far as romance is concerned. Maybe that is what I was actually feeling sad about. Either way by the time I got home I was in no condition to write about it. I am also hung over now and am craving my bed and a movie or something right now, so I will close here and leave you with this thought: If you are happy, enjoy it. Suck every last drop that you can out of it, because nothing, I repeat nothing, lasts forever. And one day, maybe tomorrow, maybe thirty years from now, the source of that happiness will be gone and you will be forced to seek another source... or not.