things had been going well - I had felt stronger - I had felt sexier - I felt we could be together and happy - I felt we had space in the relationship - I felt there was a way forward for both of us - I felt we could be committed and be free at the same time - then I asked her for details…and I spiralled down - the betrayal was too much, again - every high seems to have its low - I crashed and burned
jaggid:
during the course of the last hour, having woken up feeling less hurt and resentful, less angry, just beginning to return to the level I was, I began to think about our situation - we have been together this long (30+ years), we have struggled many times and endured bitter, deadly periods of cold and resentment…why? but we have stayed together and every now and then we make-up some of what is missing with each other, go through traumas - but…all through that time, we stay together - is it through fear of the outside, fear of being alone, not wanting to look like we failed to those around us and to those who truly matter? I want to/try to believe it is because we are special to each other…I do believe we felt that way and that we still do - but the constant presence of this crashing pain is getting too much - we are eating away at each other’s hearts and destroying any possibility of future reparation - as I lie in bed, thinking it over, I wonder if we need respite from each other, whether we need a clean break…I wonder again about separation and moving out - I don’t hate you, I still love you…for chrissake, I do want to be with you - but, destroying each other like this can’t continue - we are too close to survive this way :-(
jaggid:
I didn’t sleep, I didn’t sleep - I woke up and the horror, anger, resentment, was much less - I don’t hate you - I don’t think I can live with you