well…the attached photo is at least part of the reason - I don't know how it is but she is the most gorgeous chick I've never laid hands on - and that was 14 years ago and I'm still besotted every time I come across that file - those dreamy eyes…the bulge of her calf against boots…her hand reaching down to…oh, maybe that explains the faraway eyes - my first Suicide Girl
but there's more than that - time has passed - stuff has happened to me and I've let work take me over and neglected my partner's feelings and let my own insecurities rage beneath the surface…I look back on 10, 20, 30 and more years of living in bad faith…untrue to myself because I lost having the time to look at what was happening
and then I hit the big six oh - not in good mental shape - my partner was rekindling somethings from the past, some things that did not concern me…except that they did…and then all of a sudden BANG
over Summer a minor breakdown though it seemed cataclysmic as it happened - I looked for professional help, I started to write, I started the long process of unravelling the hate and resentment and bitterness and self-loathing - spiral on spiral on spiral
counselling, self-analysis, further crashes, recriminations both petty and dramatic - then one final awful day, my Black Thursday in which I felt the bottom fall away from my world, breathless, palpitating, head pounding, dry mouth, gagging…the final revelation and certainty that what may have been suspicions caused by my appalling resentment of her being so much more than me as a human being, was true…
hate me for this, but I tracked her iPhone…I saw it as it traversed London, I saw it stop and make off again until it settled in a leafy street…settled and lay idle for two hours - I was at work, I held it together but barely and at times incoherently - then the long journey back…a delayed change…I imagined her fretting that she wouldn't be home before me and would be discovered - I kept my counsel that day but when I came home from meeting a few friends on Friday evening she said…
Why are you so angry with me? I don't think I am. Oh yeah, are you sure? And I confronted her, and she confirmed and denied some, then four days later she divulged the extent and details and I said we were finished…
