jaggid

so, the tests came back negative but still a bit miffed that I'd hit 60 before having to visit the STI clinic and that then it was due to my partner's indiscretion not because of me boinking some skanky 19 year-old student (and, by the way, I think I'm still owed that one)

during the course of the last hour, having woken up feeling less hurt and resentful, less angry, just beginning to return to the level I was, I began to think about our situation - we have been together this long (30+ years), we have struggled many times and endured bitter, deadly periods of cold and resentment…why? but we have stayed together and every now and then we make-up some of what is missing with each other, go through traumas - but…all through that time, we stay together - is it through fear of the outside, fear of being alone, not wanting to look like we failed to those around us and to those who truly matter? I want to/try to believe it is because we are special to each other…I do believe we felt that way and that we still do - but the constant presence of this crashing pain is getting too much - we are eating away at each other’s hearts and destroying any possibility of future reparation - as I lie in bed, thinking it over, I wonder if we need respite from each other, whether we need a clean break…I wonder again about separation and moving out - I don’t hate you, I still love you…for chrissake, I do want to be with you - but, destroying each other like this can’t continue - we are too close to survive this way :-(

I didn’t sleep, I didn’t sleep - I woke up and the horror, anger, resentment, was much less - I don’t hate you - I don’t think I can live with you

there's so much more…it's over a week later and i feel like I have crossed the Atlantic - the last few weeks have been the most insane and horrible in my life but also the best - like a re-awakening…the deathly cold has given way to vibrant uncertainties and looking at a bigger, deeper, wider, fuller world - do not hold on to that safe place but cast yourself outwards - life is terminal, all we have is experience, all we have is raw feeling to guide us onwards before the great black takes us for its own

DO NOT