Awhile back I posted a blog about how I have pretty realistic dreams, often I feel its where I have the most fun in my life. It where everything I want almost happens, then I wake up. Now this is either my hell or something thats trying to keep me going. Example while I still remember it. I was having a great time walking around some strange Japanese town (everyone knew English after the first sentence lol) then I was pulled into a strange room after losing the person I was with and who was it, my one that got away, who I'd do anything for... She gets all close as she talks to me as if to test me to see if I can control myself. Meanwhile all I can do is stay still because my heart is racing and if she touches me all my will power will be gone, im doing everything in my power to not kiss her every time she leans in to say something to me, then words I never expected come from her mouth close to my face as I stare into her eyes "you still think about me don't you?" I try to think of something to say but my mouth responded immediately with "every day" as she pushed me down and straddled me keeping her face close to mine as she grinded her pelvis into my already stiffening member asking again "everyday?" Everything felt so right, I feel I could almost smell her, I wanted to explane that I would wait forever for her, to which my mind took me from that moment and put me back in real life, back in my room. Now.... me being ever changing and always trying to see the whole picture, this is either my hell, or my heaven. How I feel now... worse somewhat I think at first, because I really don't enjoy waiting and I really don't like not getting what I want (who does) but then the subconscious level is happy because I got to see and feel her again and she showed she knew that I felt that way, but back to real life where I don't really know what she knows, I respect her path and shit (won't get into thee past again since I think I have already) so I don't contact her for anything, then this year she hits me up out of the blue asking what is a good vehicle for her (me being a car guy / mechanical) I don't take it for anything more than that, after that we cathch up talking about our lives and friends and such then that was all, November she hits me up again saying hey we should all set something up I miss all of you guys. So thats why my brain has her in the field I guess. I feel like LL Cool J in the song hey love. I'll keep all my feelings inside until the right time, I respect her choices and can't hate that she is doing well. Because I truly want her to be happy. Doesn't make it easy though. So yeah this is the hell that is my dreams and my wants that won't.

(we started laughing because this took 3 mins and I was starting to say "you going to take this or you doing this on purpose")