I'm not sure if its because I only grew up with my father or what but it feels like I'm missing something when it comes to finding a companion. Ever since my mother left when I was 4 I've always been shy or awkward around women. Even after I've know them for awhile I feel like I'm on egg shells around women. Maybe its fear of being abandoned again I'm not sure. I have have 3 true in person girlfriends since my freshmen year in highschool. First one liked me with out my knowledge and sent her friends to ask me to a dance I said yes because I thought it was someone else haha duh. Turns out it was this skinny blonde I never met. She was nice and we dated for three months but I knew from day one she wasn't my type and that saying would have just been playing with her emotions. So that was it was until after I graduated. Then MySpace and thedilly was out there and I met this girl Sam, she had a bf that was treating her bad but needed someone to talk to she was in the next town over and I had a ford explorer, so I'd go pick her up and we would talk. Now she was my type skinny long dark hair and as a new perk she was Puerto Rican. Whoa. So after three days of us meeting up and talking she tells me if he doesn't call her this day she is going to want to have sex with me. He didn't call. It was great. She was the freak I needed. Loved being naked and just driving around till we found a nice spot and we would go crazy, and she was a giver. Prolly about three months again then she felt I didn't call or text enough when we were away, and that was that. Still on whatthedilly.com and this smoke show Alexis pops up. aware of how beautiful she was and all that well off family the whole bit but just wanted to talk on the phone so like a sucker I bite and the softy I am let's me sit on a string waiting and trying to meet this girl for three years. Totally in love with her but also hate her because I hate the phone. Voice of an angel but I digresdigress, in this time I also meet a 17 and 15 year old pair of sisters through a friend the older sister is a little thick but no problem my buddy was trying for the younger sister. Nothing happens that night and I end up back on the phone with the other girl Alexis. Week or two later this party goes down all way younger than me I'm 20 and they are all 15-17. I find a bottle of Bayleys Irish cream and start drinking it all. Gives me a headache so I go lay on the couch and shut my eyes next thing I know someone else lays on the couch with me... I open my eyes and its the 15 year old sister ( skinny long dark hair) she's drunkish and in a skirt. So I end up running my fingertips up and down her leg and start to fall asleep. Then some dude comes up and is like what are you doing if your going to lay down you should change so he take her upstairs and she changes into pants and he must have tried to get in there BT no dice she came back and layer with me. The night ends we leave and I forget about it. Still trying to meet Alexis I have narrowed down it a street near her house but she's all mad that I'm driving around her town so I tell her its because I wanted to give her my necklace she finally agrees but there is a catch. Gotta leave it at this house hats for sale and empty. I go OK but leave me something. She left me a teddybear a pair of sexy underwear and some cheap necklace. I was content and she then told me story's of people giving her a hard time for wearing a Celtic Cross when she was Macedonian but it made me feel good because I knew she was wearing it. Some time passes and I'm on Facebook and get a friend request from the younger sister telling me she was really surprised I didn't try anything at the party and that shown really liked the feeling of me running my fingers up and down her leg that night. Not mostly all my life I wait for women to find me,probably because I don't know what I'm doing. I know what I want but not how to get there, I'm not sure. So the young Cassandra askes to hang out again so me and my buddy go meet them halfway cops come and tell us to leave so nothing happens again but apparently it was enough to fire up some feelings for Cassandra because for the next month she makes an effort to show she likes me always coming by with gifts or to hang out for a little and at some point I start doing the same any chance I could I would go see them at their apartment then it was just me and Cassandra and me made out. (I was freaking out because she was so beautiful and so young what was I going to say to my dad and my sister or my friends I was about to turn 20. So for a month I worried about this (waiting fucked me) I finally argee to date her said fuck everyone and pulled the trigger. And went to sleep very happy. Wake up to a text saying nvm, and a day later she was dating some kid. Crushed me. Now Alexis was also part of why I waited. So she tells me she is leaving for California in a week and that we should stop talking... CRUSHED. Now I'm 25, almost dated the other sister, couldn't do it, and decide to go to the Motorcycle Mechanic's Institute two weeks before I leave on my birthday a blast from the past girl I used to talk to in AOL chat finds me on Facebook. We talk for hours and hours. Christine is her name and its been 8 years since we stopped talking (phone bill) lol old problems. Try to get her to come see me before I leave doesn't work out but she says she will wait for me. Alright get. In 2 years I come home 2 times and she won't come see me because leaving again would break her heart. Whatever so I graduate and come home. Nothing so scared she makes it to my street then leaves. Then she moves to Pittsburgh I bug and stop talking to her completely. Few months pass and she got completely used by some dude puts her in debt and uses her card to by her an engagement ring then stops paying lol it was a cluster fuck of problems but seeks me out to try again but I'm not moving to pitt. So here I am its been so long I don't even know where to start. I'm not sure if I am the problem or what. Its to the point where to calm me my brain puts me in dreams where I meet them or ransoms and either cuddle or just get some sort of affection so I don't go crazy... So my best relationship is in my dreams I guess. I'm not sure.
Ps I didn't re-read this and I didn't realize how long it was sorry.