jaeiam

Yesterday i walked around in this daze completely disconnected from others and most of reality. It was strange for the first time in my life I had strangers walking up to me and asking me " what is wrong?" and "are you okay?" To answer these questions seemed ridiculous ,not only given the fact that these strangers couldnt possibly be effected by my emotions or the goings on of my life, but just ridiculous to give away that much energy trying to search for words to justify or clarify the unexplanable mix of emoitons running through me. For the first time when i would pick up the phone, in response to my "hello?" I would hear : "what's wrong" . I guess the 'only wrong on the inside' finally wore off and its finally becoming overwhelming apparent to outsiders. A lot of this makes sense a lot of life does not . The other night I experienced something so amazing with an instant I experienced this almost spirtual enlightenment,the sky was a dark blue and charcoal but the clouds had formed this tall wall and it reached across the sky. The white was so bright and it covered all of the darkness. Just white was all that could be seen. These clouds were so amazing and lightening starts to light them up the brightest white against the darkest sky. They were so close. and seemed to start from the ground and move its way up, so far up. That storm I sat in this parking lot just wondering how I could be so lucky to be sitting here in this , experiencing one of the most beautiful thigns I had ever seen. How? I hardly ever go outside. I just started to believe. I am not a believer so this is truly amazing to me. Everythiing might happen for a reason. All of this pain. All of the joy.
Last night I sat up on squaw peak in this silence and looked out at the moon and listened to the rythme of the traffic down below. The ins and outs again this calm came over me, to clear out these stresses is what I need and to realize the big picture hasnt even been imagined for me. Its funny that a day before I had this clowd experience I had explained my mind to someone as a storm. That sometimes this storm just comes in so fast without warning and leaves just as quickly as it came, That calm after the storm when all is still would almost leave me believing all is well until I look around at all of the destruction. To have seen this storm playing with these clouds and just imagining them rolling away for a while, It was top five things I have felt in my life.