jacquesdemolay

Well, Rosh Hashana passed by as a kind of blur. I was rather drunk for most of the four days I had off.

The girl I was seeing told me she didn't want to see me anymore. It was fairly out of the blue and she didn't really give me a reason, so it took a little while to sink in. It's things like this that make me wonder if I'm forgetting how to be in a relationship at all. I haven't had one that's lasted more than a couple months in the past six years. There were some other things going on during that time, and I was moving around a lot, so I can tell you why I wasn't capable of being in a relationship for most of that period, but now I think it's just been too long; like I'm past some kind of point of no return. I know that I can be a bit distant, and I know that sometimes this looks like I'm also disinterested, but I have a hard time justifying to myself why I should open up to someone who's just going to gone in a week anyway. I do also realize that this is at least partly a vicious circle, maybe they wouldn't all leave if I would open up more. Obviously, this is mostly my own shortcoming. In trying to protect myself from the ones who would leave anyway I drive away the ones who might have stayed. I can't help it though, it's something I've been doing for so long that it's hard to remember how I ever did anything else. It was really frustrating with this last one too. I really liked her but over the last couple months I could tell something was wrong and no matter how much I tried, I couldn't fix it. There are, of course, always more fish in the sea, and we weren't exactly together for a long time, but that feeling of powerlessness at the end has really been staying with me. It's been a running theme with the relationships I've tried to have for a while now, and I'm wondering how I get back to how it was before this kind of thing would happen all the time. I really have no idea.

I have still been having some fun. I was out with Yourself and some others over the weekend, drinking Wild Turkey and generally makes asses of ourselves. That's always a good time. The weather is a lot nicer these days and I'm looking forward to the walking around the city that I'll be doing this year again for Yom Kippur. Not looking forward to the fast, but that meal at the end is always great.

I guess that's it for now.