jacksalt

I can't seem to go out and do things I "used" to do- go to bars for bands, shows, etc.- without hours of self examination to go along with it.
Usually not very pretty self examination either.
My self confidence and self image are shot to shit.
Most of it has to do with not knowing who i am aymore, if i ever really did- and I am so passive about things these days it'stremendously hard to try and do something about it- usually just try to "forget" about it.

Seeing how my New Years went?

Of course what self image I do have is so entwined with Regan, that when she is not around I have trouble placing myself in the world.

As she is currently in London, I had a disadvantage right there- who the hell wants to be alone on New Years?

So I went to the Rover Too for dinner. It was good , as always- had a coupla pints, some port, read my book as the place filled up- then Guilderoy Byrne started playing and that was fun. But guess what (pay attention- this here's a theme) felt kinda out of place. Shocker!! Lots of old ladies and middle aged people politely clapping their hands to those silly Irish lads and lasses playing music. Hmmmm.

So went into town and to this place called Have A Nice Day Cafe. Or something.
Supposed to be a good show there- music, hair modeling, contests, Scott Carney cd release party, Grotesque Burlesque- cool.
And I walk in and feel like a sore thumb IMMEDIATELY.
Don't know why- average age was probably 24 though, and though I feel like 24 still most times, I don't look or act it and am aware of that fact.
So I stand around and drink beer.

Now, before we get TOO melodramatic, I've never had a problem being by myself somewhere and just entertaining myself with people watching or what have you. And if there is a band or something i want to see, I could give a shit if there is anyone else there or not.

I was expecting to see some folks I new, particularly the frend who I heard about this from and her house mate, but no show. I did run into a VERY old friend and her husband, and while it was nice to see them, as I've only seen her maybe 5 times in the past 10 years, the conversation was rather stilted.

The burlesque was fun, and the Scott Carney Band was good. A tip: go get his new album. Good stuff.

I left about 12:30. Just wasn't doin it. Listened to music too loud all the way home, and stewed a little bit. As I had an hour drive, that's a lot of stewing and listening.

Ended up staying up till about 3:30 watching Flying Circus.

On the surface, a very pleasant evening full of good entertainment- it just fell flat though as a night out almost ALWAYS does. I don't know what I expected- or what I am looking for- but I'd love to be able to reconcile some of this someday, and actually feel like a mature adult, and not just look like one.