Today went as I figured....very long, very frustrating. I still smiled. I can't help but smile.
6 Years ago today, I got married. 1 year ago, I realized that I shouldn't be, but wasn't strong enough to leave. I found that strength recently. I dealt with the feelings of being a failure before I am 30. I dealt with the pain of a failed marriage. I dealt with the pain of not having someone look at me with the sparkle that was once there. It was hard THEN. Those feelings have long been gone from me. That doesn't mean I have no feelings. I saw how hard it was for him to deal with today, saw the tears in his eyes as he played his game, saw the pain he was in. I even got told about the "dead end" he feels that he is at. I listened. I watched the tears come down. And I left the room. I never want to see someone hurt like that, but that doesn't mean it isn't happening. There is nothing I can do to change that. It is my fault for being so weak and staying longer. You grow. You learn. Everything happens for a reason. I know my reason.
Not once have I regretted my decision to leave, nor will I regret it. I wish him all of the happiness in the world-even as he sits and says hateful things because he hurts. I know that feeling. I understand it. But I will not sit and be victim to it. To be told how horrible I am for saying what needed to be said.
Picking up my life and moving is the best thing I can do for myself. I learned what I wanted and what I need in a man. I am fortunate that I have found everything I could want and more in one. The word "soul mate" doesn't even describe the feelings I have for him. It doesn't touch what I believe us to be. I have never been so sure of anything in my life, could never be more sure of anything. I know the feelings I have in my heart and mind are more real that the clothes touching my body. The distance right now is not easy, but it is also not permanent. I remind myself daily. I have to, because with each passing second, the feelings grow stronger and I long for him like nothing I have ever known. It's a calming feeling, and an exciting one. It's indescribable. it's unbelievable. It's exceptional.
So for now...I count down the days until I am where I belong. Until my life can finally truly begin. It is in knowing that I remain strong. I am happy. I am in love.
6 Years ago today, I got married. 1 year ago, I realized that I shouldn't be, but wasn't strong enough to leave. I found that strength recently. I dealt with the feelings of being a failure before I am 30. I dealt with the pain of a failed marriage. I dealt with the pain of not having someone look at me with the sparkle that was once there. It was hard THEN. Those feelings have long been gone from me. That doesn't mean I have no feelings. I saw how hard it was for him to deal with today, saw the tears in his eyes as he played his game, saw the pain he was in. I even got told about the "dead end" he feels that he is at. I listened. I watched the tears come down. And I left the room. I never want to see someone hurt like that, but that doesn't mean it isn't happening. There is nothing I can do to change that. It is my fault for being so weak and staying longer. You grow. You learn. Everything happens for a reason. I know my reason.
Not once have I regretted my decision to leave, nor will I regret it. I wish him all of the happiness in the world-even as he sits and says hateful things because he hurts. I know that feeling. I understand it. But I will not sit and be victim to it. To be told how horrible I am for saying what needed to be said.
Picking up my life and moving is the best thing I can do for myself. I learned what I wanted and what I need in a man. I am fortunate that I have found everything I could want and more in one. The word "soul mate" doesn't even describe the feelings I have for him. It doesn't touch what I believe us to be. I have never been so sure of anything in my life, could never be more sure of anything. I know the feelings I have in my heart and mind are more real that the clothes touching my body. The distance right now is not easy, but it is also not permanent. I remind myself daily. I have to, because with each passing second, the feelings grow stronger and I long for him like nothing I have ever known. It's a calming feeling, and an exciting one. It's indescribable. it's unbelievable. It's exceptional.
So for now...I count down the days until I am where I belong. Until my life can finally truly begin. It is in knowing that I remain strong. I am happy. I am in love.
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littlejohn22:
I had to do this too when I was 30.... it was hard on both of us, but we knew it was for the better. It was better for the kids and better for me... I am with the love of my life and I know I will be with her for Ever.... you will come out of this so strong...
jackrabbit_:
You have read my mind John.... 