Been mulling a lot of things around in my mind lately. Kind of writing it out to maybe sort it out. I don't know. Chime in if something seems to strike a cord with you (just please no generic dating advice bullshit. "your defeating your self", "just go for it" etc. as that will be grounds for removal from the friends list if you do, not that I expect to have to go through with that, just no bullshit please). (Also sorry if it's kind of ramblely, like I said I'm trying to sort some stuff out.)
So there's this girl, well that red headed one that I think I've mentioned before here. Don't moral debates always start with a dame coming out of no where. At least that's how it happens in the movies (anyone remember Casablanca?) But back to my point.
So this girl, she's sweet, she's kind, two qualities that I seem to value very much in people today and don't seem to be able to find all that easily. Which has been a concern for me since I've become more and more bitter over the past two years, which definitely has not been a good thing. Of course I've become very infatuated with her. Which for those of you without your dictionaries means that I think she's the cat's pajamas. What makes things even better is we seem to share similar dating philosophies, the only date someone if you actually into them vs. just dating so you have someone to fuck, fill a space, etc... I would love to get to know as much as I can about her from her. Though my chances are slim to none.
But the problem gets more complex. Besides the obvious hurdle of the fact that she has a serious boyfriend (which I have no intention of breaking up...I care that much) there is also the fact that there's trouble in her family life.
This was where my moral dilemma started. See I say bullshit to people and bad shit happens and yada yada and it's the way life works and seem like I don't care but really I'm a filthy liar, I hate to see good people suffering. But that's exactly the problem. Though before I get ahead of my self a little more background.
See about a week ago this girl stopped showing up to the class which I'm partners with her in. This last weekend I got an email from her saying that she was taking the the rest of semester off to spend more time with her mom and her family. See I knew that her mother had advanced cancer so I knew something was up, most likely the end was near for her. This was when I started mulling all of this craziness.
Monday I get an email from her saying that her mother passed away Sunday. I really feel bad for her.
But see that's it, part of me is calling bullshit on the whole thing, saying I don't really care, I just care because I like her and the other part of me is ready to do what I've done before and be the nice, supportive, and helpful friend even if that means that I will never get to know what a relationship would be like with her.
I don't know why such a thing would be bothering me, I just know it does.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I refuse to be a bastard (or anything else besides the real me) to get a date. Or maybe it's my unhappiness with the fact that I haven't has a real girlfriend in the last 6 years or any one who made me happy for a matter of fact. Maybe I'm just frustrated that so many people are assholes and that I feel they are slowly turning me into an uncaring asshole. Maybe it's just my unhappiness with the fact that I just accept that things will never go my way and if they do it just a lead up to a bigger screw to me.
I just don't know. One part wants to be selfless, the other part thinks that's bull shit since I'm either doing it to get something or I'm being incredibly stupid by taking what it sees as the coward's way out.
So there's this girl, well that red headed one that I think I've mentioned before here. Don't moral debates always start with a dame coming out of no where. At least that's how it happens in the movies (anyone remember Casablanca?) But back to my point.
So this girl, she's sweet, she's kind, two qualities that I seem to value very much in people today and don't seem to be able to find all that easily. Which has been a concern for me since I've become more and more bitter over the past two years, which definitely has not been a good thing. Of course I've become very infatuated with her. Which for those of you without your dictionaries means that I think she's the cat's pajamas. What makes things even better is we seem to share similar dating philosophies, the only date someone if you actually into them vs. just dating so you have someone to fuck, fill a space, etc... I would love to get to know as much as I can about her from her. Though my chances are slim to none.
But the problem gets more complex. Besides the obvious hurdle of the fact that she has a serious boyfriend (which I have no intention of breaking up...I care that much) there is also the fact that there's trouble in her family life.
This was where my moral dilemma started. See I say bullshit to people and bad shit happens and yada yada and it's the way life works and seem like I don't care but really I'm a filthy liar, I hate to see good people suffering. But that's exactly the problem. Though before I get ahead of my self a little more background.
See about a week ago this girl stopped showing up to the class which I'm partners with her in. This last weekend I got an email from her saying that she was taking the the rest of semester off to spend more time with her mom and her family. See I knew that her mother had advanced cancer so I knew something was up, most likely the end was near for her. This was when I started mulling all of this craziness.
Monday I get an email from her saying that her mother passed away Sunday. I really feel bad for her.
But see that's it, part of me is calling bullshit on the whole thing, saying I don't really care, I just care because I like her and the other part of me is ready to do what I've done before and be the nice, supportive, and helpful friend even if that means that I will never get to know what a relationship would be like with her.
I don't know why such a thing would be bothering me, I just know it does.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I refuse to be a bastard (or anything else besides the real me) to get a date. Or maybe it's my unhappiness with the fact that I haven't has a real girlfriend in the last 6 years or any one who made me happy for a matter of fact. Maybe I'm just frustrated that so many people are assholes and that I feel they are slowly turning me into an uncaring asshole. Maybe it's just my unhappiness with the fact that I just accept that things will never go my way and if they do it just a lead up to a bigger screw to me.
I just don't know. One part wants to be selfless, the other part thinks that's bull shit since I'm either doing it to get something or I'm being incredibly stupid by taking what it sees as the coward's way out.