I've been struggling on how to say these words. I just hope the person(s) who read this will pass them on. I'm of course talking about those people that I left behind in Canada. The rest of you are welcome to read it but I'm sorry if this makes no sense. First off I'm sorry I left without any good byes. I was meaning to say them but I was drawn away too quickly by some force. I'm still trying to figure out if that was my father or my self just wanting to get out that hell hole of a town. I mean sure that chapter of my life has ended but the effects will continue to affect me for years to come. I'm sure my keycard has been deactivated and is of no issue. I didn't really need my 10 bucks back. Maybe we'll meet again but I think it'll take sometime for me to deal with the last nine months.
As for what I'm gonna do...I don't know. For one of the first times in my life I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do. No plan for the future. Actually I take that back I have a long term plan it's just I've lost my faith in myself to be able to accomplish that plan. Like a ship that has a port that they should be heading toward but don't have any wind in their sails.
I keep looking around and wondering, "when did everything go to hell?" "When did everything stop progressing forward and just stop dead in it's tracks in my life?" Better yet I wonder, "was it ever progressing forward at all?"
Truly in my mind I remember seeing Canada not as an escape from my current life but as a progression forward. I wasn't hoping for it to replace my previous life and it's elements but to be just another expansion. A chance to grow not replant. Sure I was going to have to make new friends in that area and solve new problems but still I think I had a pretty fair set of expectations. I wasn't expecting to be the smartest, richest, highest scoring, funniest, or anything with a -est at the the end. I just wanted to be me and continue my life.
I'd say that my life hasn't been easy and that the view is a lot different looking into my life then from my view looking out and all that jazz but I know that if I was on the other side of the equation I would be yelling bullshit at my self. It's true that I've had some rough parts of my life but there sure are a lot of people who have it a hell of a lot worse.
Still I hold that the view from the outside can vary a lot from the inside and sometimes it doesn't vary at all. But I digress a bit.
Though my Canada experience did strengthen a feeling of mine. Multiple people have told me the nice guy doesn't get me the women. That you have to be detached and unavailable and other non-sense. It's funny because I sometimes get suckered into doing those things and believing that doing those things will make me happy. Changing who I am to make my self seem more appealing has never worked out for me. But I always end up doing and saying the same thing. I end up saying "fuck it". If being genuinely nice and caring makes me unattractive, fuck changing. The relationships where I pretended to be something I was not ended in me being hurt and depressed. I guess what that has taught me is find someone who likes me for me and knows when I act nice or caring or do a favor it's not because I'm trying to get something out of them or sneak into something. It's because I truly care for them. Of course that's all cheap talk unless you put it into practice. Which I feel I have done. And it's scared quite a few people away.
Wow I must be at rock bottom again since I'm being overly honest and I'm not chasing some unattainable girl who I have an unrealistic mental image of.
As for what I'm gonna do...I don't know. For one of the first times in my life I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do. No plan for the future. Actually I take that back I have a long term plan it's just I've lost my faith in myself to be able to accomplish that plan. Like a ship that has a port that they should be heading toward but don't have any wind in their sails.
I keep looking around and wondering, "when did everything go to hell?" "When did everything stop progressing forward and just stop dead in it's tracks in my life?" Better yet I wonder, "was it ever progressing forward at all?"
Truly in my mind I remember seeing Canada not as an escape from my current life but as a progression forward. I wasn't hoping for it to replace my previous life and it's elements but to be just another expansion. A chance to grow not replant. Sure I was going to have to make new friends in that area and solve new problems but still I think I had a pretty fair set of expectations. I wasn't expecting to be the smartest, richest, highest scoring, funniest, or anything with a -est at the the end. I just wanted to be me and continue my life.
I'd say that my life hasn't been easy and that the view is a lot different looking into my life then from my view looking out and all that jazz but I know that if I was on the other side of the equation I would be yelling bullshit at my self. It's true that I've had some rough parts of my life but there sure are a lot of people who have it a hell of a lot worse.
Still I hold that the view from the outside can vary a lot from the inside and sometimes it doesn't vary at all. But I digress a bit.
Though my Canada experience did strengthen a feeling of mine. Multiple people have told me the nice guy doesn't get me the women. That you have to be detached and unavailable and other non-sense. It's funny because I sometimes get suckered into doing those things and believing that doing those things will make me happy. Changing who I am to make my self seem more appealing has never worked out for me. But I always end up doing and saying the same thing. I end up saying "fuck it". If being genuinely nice and caring makes me unattractive, fuck changing. The relationships where I pretended to be something I was not ended in me being hurt and depressed. I guess what that has taught me is find someone who likes me for me and knows when I act nice or caring or do a favor it's not because I'm trying to get something out of them or sneak into something. It's because I truly care for them. Of course that's all cheap talk unless you put it into practice. Which I feel I have done. And it's scared quite a few people away.
Wow I must be at rock bottom again since I'm being overly honest and I'm not chasing some unattainable girl who I have an unrealistic mental image of.