jace

On top of the whole thing with my girlfriend, or ex girlfriend I suppose, which is still a major source of emotional confusion and turmoil for me, my grandmother died today.

I got to watch them try and revive her with CPR in the ICU of the hospital. I got to watch my mom touch her after she was dead, and cry about not having a mother anymore. I didn't get to say goodbye.

Driving home from spending several hours at the hospital, taking care of my hysterical mother and stoned-out-of-her-mind sister, I didn't stop my car the way I usually do. I've always taken pride in being a smooth, skilled driver. I treat every stoplight like there's someone else in the car, and come to the most gradual, natural, smooth stop I can, even by myself. Driving home, I braked hard at every light. I jerked myself against my seatbelt with every application of the brake pedal. Trying to be gentle seemed ridiculous, and trivial.

I saw billboards on my way home, for everything from jackpots to strippers to milk. None of it seemed to matter.

I hadn't eaten since early this morning, and I was hungry, but I had no desire to eat.

I had brief fantasies about plowing my car into a telephone pole,or driving it off a bridge. I'm not suicidal, or anything, but watching someone die calls into question the validity and merit of staying alive. Camus was right to describe life as "absurd." It feels that way for me, right now. Being alive right now is so thoroughly polarizing.

The one thing I really crave right now, in the emotionally vulnerable state I'm in, is to be held and loved by someone. And the person I want that from the most isn't around to give that to me.