Since I am quitting the Pie next month, I suppose a job rant is just about timely.
Note: These are all REAL Utah Liquor Laws. I have to do this shit, everyday, to make a fucking living.
"Yes, I'd like a pitcher of beer please."
Ha! You want beer? What do you think this is, America? This is Utah, son. You want a pitcher of beer, you know what you need to do first? Jump through hoops. Lots and lots of hoops.
First, you need one of your friends to be with you, also drinking beer. I need to see his I.D. too. And yours. Even if it looks like you guys fought in 'Nam, I still need to know you people exist. Cough up the documentation, buddy. Show me your PAPERS!
Uhp, looks like one of your friends' I.D.s expired last week. Guess what? NO BEER. Even if your friend is clearly twice my size and bald, even if your wife is carrying a 6-year-old kid around, your I.D. better not be expired. Because if it is, then so is your ability to get crunk.
Okay, now you need to order food, too. I can't serve you BEER unless you buy FOOD. And it can't just be a salad either. It's got to be multiple salads. For you and your friend. Multiple salads, motherfucker!
Why? 'cause you're in Utah now, bitch.
Alright, now that you've bought your overpriced, 3.2% alcohol by volume, beer, you need to do a few things for me. Go sit at your table. No, you can't have your fucking beer now. SIT DOWN AT YOUR TABLE. Then I can serve you beer. If I try to give it to you now, my boss will shoot me with his uzi. What, you can't wait fifteen seconds before you get your beer? That's probably why you wanted a whole pitcher, you alcoholic bastard. THE ENTIRE STATE OF UTAH IS JUDGING YOU.
Now that I'm at your tabl-- what the fuck do you think you're doing!? Don't ever, EVER try to take the beer when I am trying to give it to you. Are you insane? I need to set it at your table. Why? Because when I go back to my corner and, seriously, WRITE DOWN WHERE YOUR FRIENDS ARE SITTING AND WHAT YOU PEOPLE LOOK LIKE, I can tell my boss that I, literally, put your beers at your table. Know what I'm saying?
What's that? You want more beer? Well, you have to bring your old pitcher to me. ONE PITCHER PER TWO PEOPLE AT A TIME FOR ONE TABLE. If you have another friend joining you, you still can't get another pitcher. If it's three people, I can only have one pitcher at the table. And if your friend wants a glass, I need to see his I.D. too. This proves that you didn't waste all that precious, precious beer, forcing you, and your friend, who might not have wanted to drink in the first place, to polish off an entire pitcher before getting more. Which, when you think about it, makes you drink even more and defeats the whole purpose of being anal about serving you beer. It also negates the existence of a designated driver.
No, you can't take the beer with you. No, I'm not going to put it in a to-go cup for you. No, you can't have a "sample" of the other beer. No, you can't have any wine after midnight. No. No. No. No. No.
And that's what the Utah liquor laws are like.
Note: These are all REAL Utah Liquor Laws. I have to do this shit, everyday, to make a fucking living.
"Yes, I'd like a pitcher of beer please."
Ha! You want beer? What do you think this is, America? This is Utah, son. You want a pitcher of beer, you know what you need to do first? Jump through hoops. Lots and lots of hoops.
First, you need one of your friends to be with you, also drinking beer. I need to see his I.D. too. And yours. Even if it looks like you guys fought in 'Nam, I still need to know you people exist. Cough up the documentation, buddy. Show me your PAPERS!
Uhp, looks like one of your friends' I.D.s expired last week. Guess what? NO BEER. Even if your friend is clearly twice my size and bald, even if your wife is carrying a 6-year-old kid around, your I.D. better not be expired. Because if it is, then so is your ability to get crunk.
Okay, now you need to order food, too. I can't serve you BEER unless you buy FOOD. And it can't just be a salad either. It's got to be multiple salads. For you and your friend. Multiple salads, motherfucker!
Why? 'cause you're in Utah now, bitch.
Alright, now that you've bought your overpriced, 3.2% alcohol by volume, beer, you need to do a few things for me. Go sit at your table. No, you can't have your fucking beer now. SIT DOWN AT YOUR TABLE. Then I can serve you beer. If I try to give it to you now, my boss will shoot me with his uzi. What, you can't wait fifteen seconds before you get your beer? That's probably why you wanted a whole pitcher, you alcoholic bastard. THE ENTIRE STATE OF UTAH IS JUDGING YOU.
Now that I'm at your tabl-- what the fuck do you think you're doing!? Don't ever, EVER try to take the beer when I am trying to give it to you. Are you insane? I need to set it at your table. Why? Because when I go back to my corner and, seriously, WRITE DOWN WHERE YOUR FRIENDS ARE SITTING AND WHAT YOU PEOPLE LOOK LIKE, I can tell my boss that I, literally, put your beers at your table. Know what I'm saying?
What's that? You want more beer? Well, you have to bring your old pitcher to me. ONE PITCHER PER TWO PEOPLE AT A TIME FOR ONE TABLE. If you have another friend joining you, you still can't get another pitcher. If it's three people, I can only have one pitcher at the table. And if your friend wants a glass, I need to see his I.D. too. This proves that you didn't waste all that precious, precious beer, forcing you, and your friend, who might not have wanted to drink in the first place, to polish off an entire pitcher before getting more. Which, when you think about it, makes you drink even more and defeats the whole purpose of being anal about serving you beer. It also negates the existence of a designated driver.
No, you can't take the beer with you. No, I'm not going to put it in a to-go cup for you. No, you can't have a "sample" of the other beer. No, you can't have any wine after midnight. No. No. No. No. No.
And that's what the Utah liquor laws are like.
youarenotalone:
I loved reading that, very funny. I had heard that Utah was a little nutty with thier liquor laws but had no idea that it was quite that bad. What's a guy got to do to get a shot of Jameson in a bar?