Thursday May 20, 2004

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Hey my prettys!!!
thanks for the help with the pic..you guys are so awesome!!!

i was basically trying to go to after prom and my ride ditched me. so my uncle asked me if i could hang out with him this weekend and i said yes. by the way..just so you don't get the wrong idea....my uncle is around my age so he's like a big brother to me which is so cool. usually when i tell people i am hanging out with my uncle...they picture some old dude...he..he..he.. anywho....
well i talked to Alisa about going to after prom and she thinks i should do it...plus i would love to meet her...she's so sweet... love love ....and now i may have a ride by this guy from the site, but i don't know if i should go or if i should stay and spend time with my uncle.... confused confused ...i don't even really know the people who are going so i feel like an oddball.....shucks!!! i'm such a wuss at times... frown frown

another thing that is on my mind is me living like Snow White and The Seven Darwfs...or some shit like that . puke puke i'm the only girl in my apartment building and it's scary at times. all the guys seem friendly, but there's one who actually told me he wants to fuck me and that he wants to "pimp me" and the other one always asks me for weed and he pinches my cheeks...etc....like i'm his granddaughter.....*shudders*.....and then the guys sit around outside the building or inside on the steps and with their friends and talk about getting pussy or saying shit like ....."pimps up! hoes down!".....like i want to hear that shit every gott-damn day..... mad ......and everyone thinks i should move, but no one will fork over some money so that i can....so shut up muthafuckers!!

now finally...my bullshit..shit

1. how many brothers and sisters do you have?
2. do you sleep in your bed alone or with stuff animals...stuffed man..etc??
3. if you were going to die and could only pic one person to spend your day with...who would it be?
4. if you could choose the career of your dreams..what would it be?



anyway...i am going to disappear one day...and you all may not care, but one day you may notice that i've been away for a while.......don't ask...just enjoy me like i'm enjoying you and when i'm gone...i'm gone my prettys.....

VIEW 21 of 21 COMMENTS
fallfromgrace:
I appreciate your kind words. I'm not usually that depressed, But I just felt really down. I know you've had relationships, but that's something I've never had. I always feel like I'm missing out, y'know? Ever since I was a child I wanted a girlfriend/wife. But the last person I really was ever close too was my Mom. I guess in a way, I just want that relationship back somehow... the hugging, the intimacy, the cuddling. My Relationship with my mom wasn't Sexual, of course; but it was the strongest bond I ever had, and losing it meant I lost a part of me. Since then I've had friends, and a Near-as-Family with those pastors. Even though they and I don't see eye to eye on many things, they still want me in their family. I do have other friends, but it's very much like none of it is very real... and I still haven't ever had the kind of relationship that I want, a deep intimacy with a girl. I'm so very afraid that I will never have that. I could be a pauper for the rest of my life, but if I had love I would be the richest man in the world. It's not the sex I want, I do know how to give myself orgasms whatever It's the intimacy, the relationship. I'd be an amazing boyfriend I know it, the times my courage is up there is no one around... and when there is, they always go after tall, dark and more handsome than me. My mother dying on me was the biggest rejection I've ever had to deal with, and it's made me gunshy ever since. It's like that line from Fight Club: "everyone you ever love will either reject you or die."
fallfromgrace:
I thought about it. but there isn't anyone in my area... I checked. closest is probably Seattle, which is 2.5 hours away. maybe I'm wrong tho.

I'll look into it. smile

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