itzjusme

So I just went to see Atomic Mint play at Dana Street and meet up with some friends. I brought my brother(15) because I knew he was not able to do much because he was in the group home a lot and he was out for a while (with my mom).

At the shop this girl...the girl my ex cheated on me with came up to me and apologized for everything that had happened. This all happened 2 years ago...though true it still stirs up emotions being that I only truly broke up with him FOR GOOD a month ago from yesterday. She is now dating a guy I used to be good friends with. I had been avoiding him due to this fact. We actually had a pretty good conversations. she explained some things to me. Apologized and told me she had no idea we were still together because he said that he broke up with me a long time ago. she also explained to me that he told he he loved her after a week of going out. What happened was on my 20th birthday he broke off plans to have a party for me to hang out with her when he just met her...then ended up dating her ....SHORT LIVED appartantly...we got back together a while later....but I had gotten into drugs because I being the sensitive person that I am...could not take the pain of being cheated on for a 3rd time(and wanted to lose weight) (btw- ALMOST 1 year 6 months clean come july)....apparantly he called her a million times a day too...which he is doing to me right now. I told her I was glad we spoke...because it really seals the deal for me. I had my doubts about whether or not I was going to be strong enough to stay away from him....I really did...but staying in an abusive realtionship...where a person cheats...calls you fat....ugly...throws things at you and doesn't even let you hang out with his friends...IS NOT LOVE. She was not a bad person. I had been making her out to be a bitch for two years. It was clearly not her fault. She is skinny and it does make me jealous...but that is something that all girls deal with and if it had been any girl I would've found something. I need to be rational. She told me that I was awesome for decking him like I did when I found them together. WHAT AN ICEBREAKER HUH?

anyways...I am glad to clear things up a bit...of course it still hurts a lot...I stayed with him for far too long. I could be with someone who loves and respects me. Although most of the time I do not believe I deserve that. i think sometimes after 6+ years of being with him I was programmed to believe I don't deserve any love and respect. i am working on it.

I am strong and I will work through it. I am doing everything pretty much on my own(emotionally) with a few people who give me a shove in the right direction. I'd like to think I'm doing okay. I know i'm not always stable...but i try to stay aware of most of my faults....that is more than most people can say. I AM TRYING REALLY HARD TO DO THE BEST THAT I CAN IN THAT RESPECT. but as for the relationship...fuck that...i cannot believe i sold myself out for so long...it really kind of makes me sick that it took so many years to see what was right there in front of me...even though in the back of my mind i always knew...man...that guy is sick.

(oh also --- i starting moving into my new apartment all day today with my brother and i dyed my little brother(13)'s hair bright red...but it hardly seemed like it was important...)