itzjusme

So In my pics there are two pictures taken of me after a LONG day at Great America. I am sorta tired. Not much though because we didn't get to go on many rides. The slutty (PRE) teenage girls have taken over the WORLD!!!!!! What the hell is going on? Have I been too busy doing homework and trying to get by to realize that I am getting older and teenagers wearing slutty clothes are getting younger? Well, I knew this- I just haven't seen it in such large proportions in a long long time...It didn't seem to bother my 13 & 16 year old brothers much. I'm such they didn't like my preaching. I sound like a grandma.

as for the pics in my pic file (journal related) I just thought I would give it to ya straight. If you could accept me when I look like that....you can be my friend right I'm having fun playing with colors with my pictures as you can see..I only wear black, tan, grey, brown, navy, (sometimes) dark red and (sometimes) dark green. I am sorta boring. So this is my time to have fun with color.
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Okay...so on a different note...I've been thinking about the fact that I have been clean for about a year and and almost 4 months now....about this time last year was a HUGE struggle for me...i've been reading some of the stuff I wrote while going through my recovery and stuff...i just thought I would share some of it....It's not great...but my mind was really not all there. I was on 6-7 different medications and I was going through withdrawl(part of the time-depending when) I was having a hard time trusting people.... It was honestly one of the hardest times of my life. I look back because I realize how hard now is for me...but it would be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much worse if I was still doing crystal. I am thanking my lucky stars, and my will to live, that I had the strength the quit.
FUCK METH!

This was written right after I quit.....

TESTING MY ENDURANCE
TO SEE IF MY PARANOID DELUSIONS WILL PUSH ME OVER THE EDGE
ONLY SHOVING ME DEEPER---
ONLY A FEW MORE STROKES & SHE WILL CAVE IN
AND THEN MY BRAIN WILL BE YOURS
MUMURS IN THE DISTANCEWHO OR WHAT COULD THAT BE?
THE FEAR OF LOSING CONSCIOUSNESS IS ONLY A SMALL ONE
FOR IVE BEEN SLEEPING FOR DAYS, HOURS-
I HAVE NOTHING ON MY AGENDA BUT WAITING
SHIT, THIS WAITING SEEMS TO BE THE LARGEST THREAT
AND THE BIGGEST PART OF MY RECOVERY
I CAN ONLY REALLY BE OVERTHROWN BY MY WILL CAVING IN
& WILL MY WILL BE THERE WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE?
QUESTIONABLY SO AT TIMES
NOT TO THE POINT OF DRUG USE
BUT TO THE POINT OF FAITH IN SELF
CAN I MAINTAIN ANY FAITH OR HOPE AT ALL?
THERE REMAINS A QUESTION IN MY WILL
I REMAIN A THREAT TO MYSELF IF I QUESTION THIS.....

Not intended to be pretty...or a poem...intended to capture my thought process at the time....

and here is one i wrote about crystal right when i quit --about doing it.....i don't feel i need to explain it...i'm not proud of the way they are written...i just felt i needed to make a statement so i am posting them....please don't do this drug guys....those of you who have done it know what i mean..... it's a MINDFUCK

RUSH, RUSH, RUSH
twisting, turning, burning, spinning thoughts
rush, RUSH, rush
no longer the euphoria it once was
i scramble for a piece of foil and a straw- or maybe a lightbulb
"not an addict" i murmur- "just a little to get me going"
scattered, tattered clothes
the mirror creeps up on me
and in the reflection are sunken eyes and a pale face
who have i become?
shut the world out.
shut myself in.
calm has left my vocabulary.
RUSH, rush, RUSH
just one more hit- 2- 3
a line
"everything will be just fine"
covered the windows- taped them shut- so no one can see
the monster i've become
& in my head the paranoia circulates
i'm floating but crashing all at the same time
spinning visions of a better life and of the hell i've created
afraid to be stuck here forever

love you guys

(sorry it's split up a little wierd- it would take a while to fix it and i don't feel like doing it - bear with me )

EDIT: WHY THE HELL IS MY JOURNAL FUCKED UP AND PUSHED TO ONE SIDE???IT IS ANNOYING ME SO MUCH>>>ALSO I AM TRYING TO PUT IMAGES IN AND I CAN'T