So I'm writing. Mostly for myself. But because you can't help yourself, and eventually you'll find this entry waiting.
The past few months have been...intense. explosive. Honestly, I did not expect to fall for you. I always felt a strange pull in your direction, like the tide lulling me in. But falling in love with you? No. Because I could see you were a damaged thing. And that you were hiding something. There was a dark spot that smudged the light you radiated. It didn't scare me, but I didn't want the responsibility.
But I couldn't escape you. Everything about us was cosmic. It was almost comical. Same humor. Same likes and dislikes. We did that gross thing where we finished each others sentences, said the same thing at the same time. Minutes, hours just melted in your presence. And you were so nervous. And careful, respectful. Of me, my space, my feelings. You tiptoed around even touching me, as if it might offend or seem obscene. It took me coming back from the bathroom and sitting a little too close, remember? As I leaned into you, I remember thinking that you smelled familiar, as though I'd already known you my whole life. And all of a sudden, your arm was around me and it felt RIGHT.
I can't recall exactly what happened after that, only that it was fast and breathtaking. And then came the night I knew I was in love with you. It occurred to me I had never connected with anyone in this way, in all my years on the planet, and I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because it didn't seem real. I had loved men before you, and this was so achingly different. Almost foreign, but comfortable. Like I was coming home.
I let you take me and I immersed myself in you. I was so happy. Here was this brilliant, smart, bright, funny, captivating, talented, handsome man. And all he saw was me. What's the catch, right? do you remember the first time I said "I love you"? I was scared because I had told you about something that made me uncomfortable, and I was used to being bullied for expressing my feelings, I was frightened you'd do the same. But you were so gentle. You heard me, you listened and you accepted those feelings. You did things differently. I didn't even ask you to.
The sex. Holy shit. THAT will never be the same and I wasn't even sure what we did/had was possible. I would get lost, and burn away under your touch. I want you to know that on the other side of this, I haven't had a desire to even try to go there with someone else. What's the point? They won't know me like you do. Details aren't important here, and you'd be embarrassed if I elaborated anyway.
What I'm not sure about is how it fell apart. Only that it wasn't me. And I think we both know that. I didn't cage you, I supported you. I tried to help. I did everything I could to help you be the best you. I wanted to see you succeed in your schooling, achieve your dreams in your music. (God I loved watching you play. You own the stage in a way that's quietly boastful. You can't help it. But you're humble and perhaps even unaware of just how amazing you are. Get out of this town, you deserve something on a grander scale and you'll never get it here. YOU'RE BETTER THAN YOUR BAND. YOU STAND ALONE.) But you started making arguments where there were none. And it made me self conscious and my confidence slipped away from me. You accused me of not letting you do what you wanted...that's all I ever let you do. It's all I wanted you to do. I simply wanted to be a part of it. I was a part of it...and you started pushing me away. You wanted to be unhappy, I saw you grasping at your dark places and holding on. But you wouldn't let me in, so I couldn't understand. So I just kept trying to support you.
I have a feeling there was emails between you and Her that I knew nothing about. I think that's when you got really weird, because you seemed torn. But I thought we moved past it. The last thing you ever said directly to me was that you loved me and that you were sorry for being selfish lately. You looked me in the eye and held my hand as you said it. I believed you. I still do.
Babe, what the hell happened? You turned into this other person that I did not know. A bizarre, awkward, unfeeling, sociopathic person. When you came unexpectedly to get your things after disappearing for days, the light was completely gone from you. You looked strange and unfamiliar, like this shell of yourself. Hollow eyes and features that didn't sit quite right. You wouldn't speak to me. And you never have again.
Family says this is you every time you go back to Her. They know this you. They don't like it, and apparently you always eventually snap out of it. But in the meantime, you're stuck. It's always the same song and dance. Why do this yet again?
Listen to me. She doesn't love you. Control, abuse, obsession, ultimatums, isolation...it's not love. You are not yourself, she doesn't allow you to be. That's not love. I'm not saying you need or have to be with me....take me out of the picture, and I'd still tell you the same damn thing: run from her, as fast and far as you can. This time won't be any different. And your daughter deserves better than the man you are when you're with Her. Your daughter deserves YOU. The real you.
You opened up to me once or twice. You told me about your suicide attempts when you were with her...I in turn opened up to you about my own dark thoughts. I thought I could trust you with them, because that's all they are....thoughts. they do not own me nor define me. And you used it to your advantage. You used it against me. I will never bare my soul to another human being.
You stripped away everything from me. And still I try to understand. Because I love you. And because I know you love me too. In spite of what you've done. (Your dad told me about your phone conversation with him a couple days before your disappearance...so I know. Not that I needed that as confirmation...you always did little things to show me you loved me. My way of showing you back was building you up and pushing you toward what you wanted from life, trying to show you your worth)
I can't understand why you're punishing me. Why you are going above and beyond and to scary extremes. Why you would LIE UNDER OATH even. But are you at the point where the ends justify the means? And She is ruthless isn't she? You'll do anything to ensure she won't lash out.
I love you, Mr. Bass. I love you complete and whole, your dark and your light, all your complications and faults. You have power. I want you to know that. You can be in control. I want you to succeed and excel in all that you do. I want you to be happy and at peace with who you are. You are amazing, my love, I assure you.
Most of all, I forgive you. I may not understand. It may hurt. But I forgive you.
There will never be a day you don't cross my mind.
Cosmically yours,
Me.
