itsy

i wish the weather was stormy still. it fits today perfect. i like the rain. i like thunder. it relaxes me. soothes nerves that are going crazy-like. instead it just got cold. pffft.


i've spent the past two days stressed and worried, in tears, biting my nails, trying to better my puffy, staypuft man face. and what i have to show for it is what i think is the loss of a friendship. it's not that i don't understand where the other party is coming from, it's just that i don't feel my feelings were appreciated in the slightest. i've been a wreck. and even the outcome is better than what i expected, i still will have a sleepless night again, i imagine. i vowed a long time ago never to let anyone force my hand or hang my dreams in the balance. and i will keep it that way at all costs. perhaps it is a bit selfish. but i won't rely on anyone else. and if i can't fall back on myself... i won't put anyone else before me. not at this stage in my life. i can't afford to. and rather than seeing that as "selfish" or "unprofessional" or the like, i think of it as reckless, tenacious and determined.

once again i go to work looking like hell. puffy face, red rimmed eyes. and for what? it isn't right.

still. things may work themselves out. and i hope that i gain what i've been gunning for.

on an upnote, this did prove itself to trouble me more than did overhearing an acquaintance say to someone "that's sarah, i fucking hate her". well then why bother calling me? duh. that's just plain stupid on their part. at first i felt a little betrayed.... and an hour later i found out it didn't bother me at all. so at least that explains itself.


i'm broke as fucking hell this week and it sucks. someone take me out for a well deserved drink. i promise i clean up nice.

signing off ladies and gents.