its_matt

This is the newwwwwwwwws.

Iran ban on 'Western' hairstyles
This is the news that the authorities in Iran have issued a warning that if hairdressers give the youth of Iran western haircuts then they will have their license revoked. Which as we all know will only drive the problem underground, as the young people of Tehran meet up in a supermarket car park at 4am to have their hair done with some ceramic GHD's.
Some government members have also put forward the idea that if women continue to use make-up in a western fashion, they should be banished from the capital and sent to the remote areas of the country. Presumably creating some kind of village of the fashion-conscious. A bit like the thunderdome in mad max, but with less PVC.

Dutchman's Noah's ark opens doors
A Dutch man; Johan Huibers has built a three storey high ark including life-size wooden models of the animals. According to reports, Mr. Huibers, a contractor, built the ark out of cedar and pine - because Biblical scholars are still not sure as to which type of wood was used in the ark's construction. Or maybe because it never fucking happened in the first place. The sheer logistics of getting two of EVERY animal to start the world again is quite literally impossible. The Bible's Book of Genesis says Noah kept seven pairs of most tamed animals and one breeding pair of all other creatures in the boat, which survived a catastrophic flood sent down by God to punish man. The bible doesn't take into account animals that already lived in the water or flew. And that for his 'mission' to succeed each of these pairs of animals would have to not only be successful in the mating program, but actually want to do it despite the millions of corpses floating in the water outside. Talk about pressure.
The ark includes a 50-seat theatre showing a segment of the Disney film Fantasia retelling the story of Noah's Ark. Which is proof enough the whole thing happened for most people. Well if it's in a cartoon it must have happened. I await the appearance of living mops on QVC.

Mouse brain simulated on computer
US researchers have simulated half a virtual mouse brain on a supercomputer. Yes that's right. American scientists have spent possibly millions of dollars not on curing disease or hunger but on virtually recreating a mouse's brain. But they have been entirely successful, no. they only got halfway. Since when has the world been crying out for artificial mouse? Are there vast overstocks of cheese that need doing away with? Are cartoon cats being made redundant due to lack of prey to chase and end up getting injured in the process for the amusement of viewers? Not the last time I heard. So why are they doing this? What benefit will become of this? Actually when I think about it this is eerily similar to how they started on the long path to building a T-800. We are fucked.

Alien named as top 18-rated scene
The gory "chestburster" scene in sci-fi classic Alien has been named the greatest 18-certificate movie moment. Empire readers voted the bit where that alien comes out of that guys stomach while he is eating as the worlds best 18-rated moment. Clearly they haven't seen that bit from the Pamela Anderson film 'barb wire' where she is being hosed down while she is on a swing.

Hugh Grant arrested over 'attack'
Hugh Grant threw a Tupperware tub filled with beans at a photographer. HAHAHAHAHA. No satire needed there. Good work Hugh!