its_matt

Yes it's nearly that time of year again, that dreaded day of February which single people despise and people with partners aren't exactly fond of either.
I propose we ban it all together; it serves to bring smiles to a select lucky few and the companies that produce such tat for sale on the day.
Im going to put forward the reasons why I think such a day should be banned, then you should all print it out, sign it and send it to Tony Blair and let's see if we can't get this madness stopped.

For single people:

* It serves as a reminder of just how un-dateable you are. Christ. What's wrong with you? Look at all the ugly people around you who are coupled up. Sure they are ugly, but they have someone to cuddle after their bout of sub-standard sex, not like the feeling of guilt that surrounds you after your frenzied bout of self abuse. If God really is everywhere then he definitely saw that. You're going to hell.

* Sure you can tell yourself you are saving money but isn't that time when you go into Clinton's to buy a valentines card a hell of a lot more satisfying than declaring to your friends that 'its all too fucking commercial now' and 'its not about love anymore' Buying a card proves to the woman at the till and any bystanders you are not a cold un-forgiving robot, but a human capable of love, so you must be worth a cuddle or two.

* Don't even think of staying in on valentine's night, the schedules will only anger you. It will be a day for romantic films for couples to cuddle up to. Or in your case for you to holler at the TV through a Doritos-filled mouth that 'REAL LOVE ISNT FUCKING LIKE THAT' when Hugh Grant manages to charm and stumble his way into another American actress's bed.

For those of you who are in a couple.

* Valentines day is a big test for you. To prove your love, to prove your not a complete waste of fucking space. You know when they said 'size is everything'? Well it's definitely true in this case. Cards, is what I am talking about. And sizes thereof.
Girls- On Valentines Day the best your fella is hoping for is that you don't bawl your eyes out telling him what a waste of fucking space he is. Or that despite the low quality of the restaurant he picked for the night, Nando's serves nice food, and who wants all that fussy stuff? When it comes to cards your fella doesn't want one. A playground mentality is still in effect here. Valentines cards are the gayest thing ever. More gay than an erotic version of supermarket sweep starring the Cliff Richard, Liberace and Right Said Fred doing the soundtrack. If it were possible he would prefer a card the size of a postage stamp that just has his name on one side and yours on the other. But seen as they don't make these, just go for one with some tits on it and a rude comment on the inside. This will draw the least amount of wolf whistles from his co-workers.
Boys - Get the biggest one in the shop. One that required a whole football-sized stretch of the Amazon to make the paper it is printed on. One so big, it's possible to see from space why you love Stacy so much. With a scene depicted on the front that is so cute even your own mother thinks 'it's a bit much'. And just in case your workmates should see it, just enter the name of your partner and then your name. Nothing else. Anymore and you are in danger of becoming as big a gay as getting a card like that would be.

And for those poor bastards who are thinking of sending a mystery card.

* Are you sure they feel the same way?
* Would they have preferred it to come from someone else in the office?
* Were you too vague in your poem? They might think it's off someone else.
* Shit, you left the price on!
* Fucking hell. You put your name on it! Now it's going to be awkward ALL day.
* Did anyone else give them one? Was it bigger? More cute? Best thing to do is to end it all when you get home. Save the embarrassment tomorrow.

It's a cruel world we inhabit. Especially when it throws shit like Valentines Day at us. I wonder how high the suicide rate is.

Hope it's a good one!
Mwah!