I've never been in love. Let me qualify that last statement, there were a few times where I thought that's what it was only to realize that it was just an unhealthy infatuation. Even these occasions left me feeling bitter, angry, embarrassed and otherwise emotionally depleted.
And as with all matters of the heart, the lesson never sticks. I've lately seen that I'm headed down this road all over again and so I thought it was about time for some self-examination. That way if I can't avoid it at least I can understand what causes it to happen.
The one thing all my past heartbreaks have had in common was that they fell into one or more categories, either A) they were out of my league, B) they were already involved, or about to be involved with someone else, or C) they possessed a sweetly "damaged" quality. The first two pretty much speak for themselves. What particularly interests me is the last one because it's the most confusing and the least obvious.
It's no big secret to anyone who knows me that I'm a generally nice guy. Unconventional at times, sure, but I still tend to put other people's interests ahead of my own when I can afford to. I won't go into the old adage about the nice guy finishing last because we all know it. That's all just surface logic. I don't want to be like the mechanic who hears the engine squealing and replaces the belts and the fan assembly when the water pump is the real problem. I owe it to myself to be thorough in this and I'm not going to accomplish that by copping-out.
So getting back on track, I possess a kind of nurturing quality which I regard as a character flaw. In the past I've been attracted to what might be called the "wounded animal" quality in women. I'm into this for more than just the obvious reasons, i.e. to exploit their self-destructive impulses to my own selfish ends. While admittedly this is part of it (and I offer no apology for it), that doesn't begin to explain it away. Believe me, I wish it were that easy. You can't imagine the relief I would experience at having the closure of being able to label myself a dyed-in-the-wool asshole. My problem is that I wear my heart on my sleeve (fuck, I abhor that cliche) and I genuinely want to elevate people that I care about when I see that they're faltering, even to the point of putting my own well being on the back burner so I can focus all my effort on them. Only when I feel I have acheived that goal can I begin repairing myself. The trouble with doing this, as I've experienced, is that you can easily lose yourself and opening yourself up like that can turn what would normally be considered a slight sting into a knockout punch. It's a trait that I'd like nothing more than to disabuse myself of as it's resulted in only so much heartache and wasted time. Indeed, women can smell it on me like cheap cologne and they HATE it. They regard it as a sign of weakness and I agree. The only reason it's met with any success is because those who I've displayed this aspect of myself to needed it. But they didn't need it for long, and while they got to go off and exercise their rediscovered self-esteem I got to tend to my own bruised ego.
The reason for all this introspection is that I'm beginning to have those feelings for a woman who fits into all three categories. What's worse is that she might hold the distant promise of being the one thing I've been searching for for so long. But in order to know for sure I'd have to endure the journey, and if experience has taught me one thing it's that the outcome is inevitable.
No, I'm afraid I might want her for all the wrong reasons and it seems that the only responsible thing to do is to bottle it up until it all goes away. Even if I'm wrong, so what? I'll still wake up in the morning so I can go through the motions all over again. If that's the worst that will happen, I guess I can live with it.
Anyway, I'm too old to be behaving this way. This feels like high school shit to me. I'm disgusted with myself. I'm even ashamed that I'm opening myself up like this here. These days it's all I can do to keep from spitting into the reflection that greets me in the mirror every morning.
So has this little self-exploration comforted me in any way? Not a single word of it. I struggled with a sense of vain optimism only realize the ultimate disappointment at discovering that my condition was terminal right from the start.
From this day forward my heart is on probation.
I think I've humiliated myself quite enough today. That should cover me for a good long while.
And as with all matters of the heart, the lesson never sticks. I've lately seen that I'm headed down this road all over again and so I thought it was about time for some self-examination. That way if I can't avoid it at least I can understand what causes it to happen.
The one thing all my past heartbreaks have had in common was that they fell into one or more categories, either A) they were out of my league, B) they were already involved, or about to be involved with someone else, or C) they possessed a sweetly "damaged" quality. The first two pretty much speak for themselves. What particularly interests me is the last one because it's the most confusing and the least obvious.
It's no big secret to anyone who knows me that I'm a generally nice guy. Unconventional at times, sure, but I still tend to put other people's interests ahead of my own when I can afford to. I won't go into the old adage about the nice guy finishing last because we all know it. That's all just surface logic. I don't want to be like the mechanic who hears the engine squealing and replaces the belts and the fan assembly when the water pump is the real problem. I owe it to myself to be thorough in this and I'm not going to accomplish that by copping-out.
So getting back on track, I possess a kind of nurturing quality which I regard as a character flaw. In the past I've been attracted to what might be called the "wounded animal" quality in women. I'm into this for more than just the obvious reasons, i.e. to exploit their self-destructive impulses to my own selfish ends. While admittedly this is part of it (and I offer no apology for it), that doesn't begin to explain it away. Believe me, I wish it were that easy. You can't imagine the relief I would experience at having the closure of being able to label myself a dyed-in-the-wool asshole. My problem is that I wear my heart on my sleeve (fuck, I abhor that cliche) and I genuinely want to elevate people that I care about when I see that they're faltering, even to the point of putting my own well being on the back burner so I can focus all my effort on them. Only when I feel I have acheived that goal can I begin repairing myself. The trouble with doing this, as I've experienced, is that you can easily lose yourself and opening yourself up like that can turn what would normally be considered a slight sting into a knockout punch. It's a trait that I'd like nothing more than to disabuse myself of as it's resulted in only so much heartache and wasted time. Indeed, women can smell it on me like cheap cologne and they HATE it. They regard it as a sign of weakness and I agree. The only reason it's met with any success is because those who I've displayed this aspect of myself to needed it. But they didn't need it for long, and while they got to go off and exercise their rediscovered self-esteem I got to tend to my own bruised ego.
The reason for all this introspection is that I'm beginning to have those feelings for a woman who fits into all three categories. What's worse is that she might hold the distant promise of being the one thing I've been searching for for so long. But in order to know for sure I'd have to endure the journey, and if experience has taught me one thing it's that the outcome is inevitable.
No, I'm afraid I might want her for all the wrong reasons and it seems that the only responsible thing to do is to bottle it up until it all goes away. Even if I'm wrong, so what? I'll still wake up in the morning so I can go through the motions all over again. If that's the worst that will happen, I guess I can live with it.
Anyway, I'm too old to be behaving this way. This feels like high school shit to me. I'm disgusted with myself. I'm even ashamed that I'm opening myself up like this here. These days it's all I can do to keep from spitting into the reflection that greets me in the mirror every morning.
So has this little self-exploration comforted me in any way? Not a single word of it. I struggled with a sense of vain optimism only realize the ultimate disappointment at discovering that my condition was terminal right from the start.
From this day forward my heart is on probation.
I think I've humiliated myself quite enough today. That should cover me for a good long while.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
It's good that you recognize your weaknesses, as that's, of course, the first step to overcoming them. The next step is trying to figure out why you "wear your heart on your sleeve" and try to elevate people. When you figure out the why (i.e. the fundamental need you're fulfilling within yourself by doing these things) you'll be able to find new ways of fulfilling that need.
It always puzzles me when people are attracted to psychically damaged people, as that's something that usually drives me away.
If this new person fits into your heartache pattern, avoid her. There are other women. Even if she's one in a million, that means there's two-hundred and fifty in this country like her. Surely one of them won't break your heart.
At any rate, good luck with whatever you do.