isabrokensoul

Yeah, today I found out I now have two friends. Friiends? What are friends? The expression holds true, that you will know who your "true" friends are once you find yourself in a jam. I am not talking about a jam where you get a flat tire in the middle of the night and you have to call someone up to come help you. I am talking about when you get yourself into a situation where you begin that downward spiral of self distruction. In your downward spiral as you ooze your way closer to the edge of insanity, you soon realize that your sense of reality has become so warped that you can't see the hole you dug for yourself and in your last act of desperation to try and get back to the relm of sanity you fall flat on your face into the gutters. In this last act you soon realize that there is two out comes, death or a helping hand that is reaching out for you, lifting you up by your frail body up out of the gutter you placed yourself into.

There are those friends who will tell you to your face that "this could happen to anyone", and then they slam the door behind them as they mutter under their breath what a looser you are. This is the shallow end of the friend spectrum. They have become judge, jury and excutioner. Sadly, but understandibly these are the friends who don't want to be troubled with the matters of a serious nature.

I am a hero to no one....I have grown up self alienated from people because I have never been able to trust people. It is my own acts of self distruction that has brought me to this point of my life. I can't be mad at those who have turned their back's on me. I can only respect them and their acts because I realize now that I was never a real good friend to them. I have to find forgiveness in myself for my actions and in doing so I am able to forgive them.

I am truly thankfull for the friends that have stuck by my side through all of my downward sprial.

I have just recently found out that I have a severed connection between my mind and my heart. I am able to look at most people and tell what it is that they are feeling in their hearts. They call it hypervigilance, but sadly I am not able to tell myself what it is I am feeeling in my own heart. I hope to one day fix this "disconnect", so I can be able to see and feel the emotions in my heart instead of see nothing but cold black emptiness.