I woke up today. I have come to this place where once more faith and hope are my saviors. I descended into maddening depths and saw no way out. I cast about now, with the light of hope as my guide, trying to find my way through the darkness. The journey, I find, is quite difficult.
I woke up, not with that welcome euphoric bliss I've felt so often up until this last week, but instead with a profound and deep sadness. It is like a monster trying to reach up and consume me. I must not let it. The sadness is a terrible thing. Instead of the smile and the sense of being happy and having found something I'd lost there was this terrible beast. I fight it now, but I see the source of it's power.
There is the terrible fear in me that I will spend the rest of my days alone. I speak on it often, how I wish not to. How I am sick and ache from waking up by myself constantly. And so this fear finds it's roots there. In that sense of panic at always being so very alone.
I fight it. I must. I've not let anything else beat me so far, so I must carry on, I must endure.
Oh but what I would give to once more feel happy as I did. For too short a time I held that happiness in my heart, I coveted it. Now the fear and the sadness threaten to come and replace it. I will do what I can, stand firm with my faith that all will work out as it should, that everything happens for a reason. And with my hope that it won't be forever I am alone, that someday, somewhere the princess I've always wanted will come along.
Maybe she'll save me? I would accept the role reversal.
Regardless she is taking her sweet happy time in showing herself. Please save me. From myself if nothing else.
Hope. Faith. It is all I have left.
-JC
I woke up, not with that welcome euphoric bliss I've felt so often up until this last week, but instead with a profound and deep sadness. It is like a monster trying to reach up and consume me. I must not let it. The sadness is a terrible thing. Instead of the smile and the sense of being happy and having found something I'd lost there was this terrible beast. I fight it now, but I see the source of it's power.
There is the terrible fear in me that I will spend the rest of my days alone. I speak on it often, how I wish not to. How I am sick and ache from waking up by myself constantly. And so this fear finds it's roots there. In that sense of panic at always being so very alone.
I fight it. I must. I've not let anything else beat me so far, so I must carry on, I must endure.
Oh but what I would give to once more feel happy as I did. For too short a time I held that happiness in my heart, I coveted it. Now the fear and the sadness threaten to come and replace it. I will do what I can, stand firm with my faith that all will work out as it should, that everything happens for a reason. And with my hope that it won't be forever I am alone, that someday, somewhere the princess I've always wanted will come along.
Maybe she'll save me? I would accept the role reversal.
Regardless she is taking her sweet happy time in showing herself. Please save me. From myself if nothing else.
Hope. Faith. It is all I have left.
-JC