ironmog

Well, so far this has been quite the week for amazing lows and crazy highs. I just wish the highs had it.

First, I have the most amazing friends, and I love them all with everything I have (soulsetfire I'm looking YOUR direction). I wouldn't be anything without them, nor would I be anywhere. So thank you. Even the Beard showed his rare soft side this week when talking to me (seems he caught on to my mood and was having none of it, trying to cheer me up and letting me know I can always talk to him).

I was so worried about school this week on Monday, like would I be able to go, could I afford it, was I making a mistake, those sorts of things. But luckily I got some awesome news at work and they are shutting down my department the end of this month, so my decision to quit it made a bit easier with the fact I'll be getting unemployment for a time. And I filled out the last of my paper work (for now at least) for school and checked, I'll be getting more than enough financial aid to go to school! Yay! So I'm totally set and pumped. Then the ex got a hold of me.

I swear, its the same argument with her every time, over and over. She wants money, I don't have it. She wants to know why I don't have it, I paid bills and rent. She wants to know why she wasn't considered first when making my budget, because I need a roof over my head so it was a priority. Over and over, same questions, same responses. She then asked how I was going to help her and give her money for our son when I'm going to school and not working full time. Same response, I'll help when I can and when I have the money. She then asked me what my excuse now was and why I couldn't give her any money. Then she said some flippant remark about me signing all rights to the kiddo to her and so I wouldn't have to worry about owing her a cent. I finally flipped out on her and went off on a long rant about how when we were together I worked every full time shit job I hated without fail and without missing a day to support her going to school and our son. And now she has a much better job then I did so the reverse could happen now, I'll work the part time job and she can work the full time to support the kiddo. She got off light, she wouldn't have to worry about supporting me too, so she had it easier than I did. We shouted back and forth and I told her to go fuck herself. It was pretty draining. And she knows just what to say and how to cut me and tear me down and make me feel about an inch tall. Ugh it was horrible. And so once again I had the doubts about school. I so sick of playing this game back and forth. I just want to be free finally, to escape. But I don't think I can ever be free. Trapped, no matter what I can't find my way out. And I think this is why I'll always be alone, I just can't do that kind of thing again, I can't let myself trust and love and then wake up one day to find myself trapped once more.

But on the good news side my Dad is totally supporting me going back to school and said he'd even buy me a lap top to take with me to and from class and home to do homework and whatever one. He's a funny old man at times. He and I have never really gotten along or understood each other but at times you can tell he might actually care and even be a little proud of me.

I'm continuing my trend of horrible job attendance. I took a vacation day today and have one next week. I might not even work a full week of work the whole summer. I kind of want an "Achievement Unlocked: Lazy Bastard" award.

Pennywise helps so much, good angry music.

-JC