irishandbuffy

On Tuesday, it will be a year since I held my baby. Yesterday was a year since I saw my youngest. I thought I had it all under control. I thought that in this year I had been getting better. Yesterday, I had such a massive panic attack that I could not move. I felt like I was going to die and part of me thought it would be ok. I would have never gone through with that. When I get really sad and that little part comes out. I think about 4 people. My husband, my sister and my kids. I think about their smiles and the wonderful goofie memories that we have had. I also think about the promise I made to my sister and I love her too much to ever break a promise to her. Even though I could not reach out to her yesterday, I could not reach out to anyone, I needed to be in my darkness so I could come back to the life. I was flashed back to sitting in the VFW and drinking beers and her telling me she was there for me. That is my light sometimes. Please understand I love my hussband more than life and 99 % of the time he is my light. However, you have to understand, I let this woman get that 1% simply because she is who she is. She gets me. She gets all of me. Not the parts that I let the world see. I try to be so many people andd she sees all of them. She also sees the scared little girl hidding in the corner. She knows her and loves her. Not many people see that side of me. They see the mother, the wife, the sister, the airhead, the she is so sweet girl, Charitee see all that and more.
I m better today. Going to watch football and eat fattening food. While the hubby sleeps I am going to go on a junk food. I am going to drink soda and I am going to just watch my team.
Thank you for letting me vent.
B