I woke up this morning terribly missing the girls and California. It has not happen for a while but today it did. I dreamt about them all night long and then this morning I realized how big 1500 miles is.
I know that I had no choice but to do what I did back then but tell my heart that I have not let down my daughters. They are beautiful.
I used to resent Irish because I thought he did not miss them as much as I did. Then I realized he missed them more. He missed them as much me and add in all the pain that I have in my heart onto his. He just puts up the brave front that is what he does. I look in his eyes though when a phone call does not goes through or when we hang up. He misses them so much. He is Lizzie's father despite the DNA.
Today, I went to the post office to send off their care package. When I got back in the Jeep part of me wanted to drive and not stop but then I thought what I would have there? No friends who know me so well, no family, (My blood family wants nothing to do with me. I broke the cycle with Mary and they resent me that they have to deal with her instead of pawning her off on me.) Nowhere to stay.
If we would have stayed in California we would have been homeless. There was no luck on finding permanet work and Irish was not having luck finding work. I would have poor health care.
The move to Minnesota was the best thing. I am so much happier here. Things will be better when the girls are with us.
I just miss them so much.
B
I know that I had no choice but to do what I did back then but tell my heart that I have not let down my daughters. They are beautiful.
I used to resent Irish because I thought he did not miss them as much as I did. Then I realized he missed them more. He missed them as much me and add in all the pain that I have in my heart onto his. He just puts up the brave front that is what he does. I look in his eyes though when a phone call does not goes through or when we hang up. He misses them so much. He is Lizzie's father despite the DNA.
Today, I went to the post office to send off their care package. When I got back in the Jeep part of me wanted to drive and not stop but then I thought what I would have there? No friends who know me so well, no family, (My blood family wants nothing to do with me. I broke the cycle with Mary and they resent me that they have to deal with her instead of pawning her off on me.) Nowhere to stay.
If we would have stayed in California we would have been homeless. There was no luck on finding permanet work and Irish was not having luck finding work. I would have poor health care.
The move to Minnesota was the best thing. I am so much happier here. Things will be better when the girls are with us.
I just miss them so much.
B
The only advise I can give you is the advise my father gave to me. Remember that had you not moved, gotten heathly in both body and mind, and made yourself a happy home you wouldn't be a good mom to them when you have them. And you will have them, I promise you it will happen.
Come over when you feel better. See the boys. Meet Cameron. Come smile and be silly, when you're up to it. We love you and miss you. I know that my children and I can't make up for you missing your girls but we can try.
Love you.