If your here to read about music... I will get back to that with the next entry.... please go back and read some of my old music related journals......
I'm going to interrupt my writing about music to talk about something that I don't really like to write about here, sex. love and all of that. I don't like to write about it cause it's personal and I know the shocking mind fuck about these subjects that I endured in my formative years.
so two things happened at work today that just need to write about.
the first was I was present when a bunch of guys were talking about going to strip clubs, and I over heard the following exchange:
Woman Co-worker: why do you guys waste your money on that?
Guy: Entertainment.
Woman: wouldn't you rather have some that you like entertain you in that way?
ok, here's the deal I have never been to a strip club, and I never intend to go to one. Here's the deal, growing up, I had 2 screwed up points of view about sex, sexuality and what not mainlined into my brain, heart and soul:
1) I was raised by my mother who is a devout christian sex was something that was to happened between a man and a woman who were married and everything sexual outside of that context was a sin, and was not tolerated.
2) The ultra Left wing Feminists (and I am talking about the man hating extremist fringe of the feminist movement here) was extremely powerful in our town and in my high school. I was taught that the sex industry hurt women by making their sexuality a commodity that devalues their humanity, stealing their power (which of course was what rape was all about) and promoting rape.
trapped between these two extremes it's an understatement to say that the idea of being near anyone in a sexual way was terrifying and anxiety inducing. luckily I had a massive wall of fat to hide behind, and no money to spend on porn or hookers.
As I have grown older I have been able to put aside a huge chunk of that indoctrination and become a little more comfortable about the whole sex issue, but I still refuse to spend my money on strip clubs for a variety of reason. The main reason is this.
If I am going to be in the presence of a naked woman who is trying to turn me on, I want it to be because she wants to turn me on, because she thinks that I am someone that she wants to be sexual with exclusively, not because I am waving dollar bills around.
the second thing that happened was I was leaving work and I was carrying a item that was obviously a wedding gift (I am going to a wedding on the east coast this weekend for a friend from high school, I haven't seen her in years but it should be interesting) when I ran into a group of the secretaries from the office. One of them asked me about the box I had and another asked if I was getting married.
My response to that last question was the most sarcastic 'Riiiigggghhhhhttttt' I could muster. Now for the most part when I am faced with that situation I can keep my mouth shut and say something dismissive, in this case I should have just said, 'It's for a friend's wedding this weekend', but I just couldn't help myself.
Next thing I know the woman who asked if I was getting married was responding to my answer by repeating over and over 'There is someone for everyone'.... I don't know what to say to that. Is it a fairy tale? is it wishful thinking? is it true? Can someone walk away from the one that they are for?
I don't believe in that, if I did, then I would have to accept that 'She who haunts me' was/is/will be the one and I have lost her for now... but if I think that way then I am just a fool with psycho-stalker tendencies (that's ann arbor speak for not getting it that she's forgotten all about me, while I can't sleep, drink, scream, cry, ignore, or otherwise drug [Were talking sugar here] her away).
ok that's enough of my scary psychological closet... next time more music
I'm going to interrupt my writing about music to talk about something that I don't really like to write about here, sex. love and all of that. I don't like to write about it cause it's personal and I know the shocking mind fuck about these subjects that I endured in my formative years.
so two things happened at work today that just need to write about.
the first was I was present when a bunch of guys were talking about going to strip clubs, and I over heard the following exchange:
Woman Co-worker: why do you guys waste your money on that?
Guy: Entertainment.
Woman: wouldn't you rather have some that you like entertain you in that way?
ok, here's the deal I have never been to a strip club, and I never intend to go to one. Here's the deal, growing up, I had 2 screwed up points of view about sex, sexuality and what not mainlined into my brain, heart and soul:
1) I was raised by my mother who is a devout christian sex was something that was to happened between a man and a woman who were married and everything sexual outside of that context was a sin, and was not tolerated.
2) The ultra Left wing Feminists (and I am talking about the man hating extremist fringe of the feminist movement here) was extremely powerful in our town and in my high school. I was taught that the sex industry hurt women by making their sexuality a commodity that devalues their humanity, stealing their power (which of course was what rape was all about) and promoting rape.
trapped between these two extremes it's an understatement to say that the idea of being near anyone in a sexual way was terrifying and anxiety inducing. luckily I had a massive wall of fat to hide behind, and no money to spend on porn or hookers.
As I have grown older I have been able to put aside a huge chunk of that indoctrination and become a little more comfortable about the whole sex issue, but I still refuse to spend my money on strip clubs for a variety of reason. The main reason is this.
If I am going to be in the presence of a naked woman who is trying to turn me on, I want it to be because she wants to turn me on, because she thinks that I am someone that she wants to be sexual with exclusively, not because I am waving dollar bills around.
the second thing that happened was I was leaving work and I was carrying a item that was obviously a wedding gift (I am going to a wedding on the east coast this weekend for a friend from high school, I haven't seen her in years but it should be interesting) when I ran into a group of the secretaries from the office. One of them asked me about the box I had and another asked if I was getting married.
My response to that last question was the most sarcastic 'Riiiigggghhhhhttttt' I could muster. Now for the most part when I am faced with that situation I can keep my mouth shut and say something dismissive, in this case I should have just said, 'It's for a friend's wedding this weekend', but I just couldn't help myself.
Next thing I know the woman who asked if I was getting married was responding to my answer by repeating over and over 'There is someone for everyone'.... I don't know what to say to that. Is it a fairy tale? is it wishful thinking? is it true? Can someone walk away from the one that they are for?
I don't believe in that, if I did, then I would have to accept that 'She who haunts me' was/is/will be the one and I have lost her for now... but if I think that way then I am just a fool with psycho-stalker tendencies (that's ann arbor speak for not getting it that she's forgotten all about me, while I can't sleep, drink, scream, cry, ignore, or otherwise drug [Were talking sugar here] her away).
ok that's enough of my scary psychological closet... next time more music
But there is no "one" or "right" person. There are people who the right person in a certain time in you life and for a certain you. But unless you plan on never changing, growing, or experiencing new things, you will always find people who you with you connect with and who will be there for you.
As for the stalker thing, lol, well what you described above are the symptons of grief and loss. We all deal with it in our own way. If you respect her wishes and her space then you are allowed to work through your feelings in your own way. Unrequited love and pining away used to be romantic. Now, we think stalker. Pine away, then someday get up and move on. But don't let anybody tell you how long that should take and in what form the revelation should come.
All I can promise is that someday you'll sleep a little longer, drink a little less, scream more softly, cry less often and thinking about her with minimal pain. You'll never forget. Stop trying to. Remember, accept, grieve, and get ready to be part of the world's largest unoffical club. Welcome. There's plenty of room.
Have fun at the wedding and screw what the secretaries think and the asses who work in CC. kisses.
and as for the lady love... it's three years on, and there's someone who still invades my dreams about once a month. there is no question that it's much better now, but when someone leaves you with so many unanswered questions (like: why did you get married on my birthday?), it takes time. i really like what kesaresj. she is a very wise woman.