Warning. This post contains details about an illness that I have, and some of you may not want to know the details of it. I just needed to vent, and you can look or not look...its rather lengthy, and its a frank discussion about pain management.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
I woke up this AM in a ridiculous amount of pain. I'm at that point in my cycle where the endomerium is all swelling. Its on my bladder, intestines, and i can feel it causing pressure. I'm so bloated and in major discomfort. I'm trying to stay positive, but the constant pain takes a lot out of me.
Having an illness which is chronic, progressive, non-curable, and poorly understood is for the birds. I am nursing the last of my pain meds from last month...and getting irked because my doctors are already having their nurses call me to see if i need more (I'm on the list for pain management until i can get another surgery...which may or may not help in the end).
I hate taking vicodin, I try and avoid it most of the time...but usually with the endometriosis, I'm forced to choose between laying in bed...puking from pain and not being able to do anything but lay there and cry...and taking a pill that helps tremendously, but that i have problems with because it irritates my IBS, typically makes me nauseous and has the disadvantage of decreased therapeutic effect the more it is taken.
There is really only one substance which helps calm the cramping...slows the bleeding...and enables me to get some food down (i'm hypoglycemic so...this is kind of not a choice)...and the federal government has deemed that it is to be demonized and put in the same class as Heroine and crack.
I discovered this completely by accident. My brother and sister are both huge pot heads...neither really go to any length to hide it either. I, for the most part, had gone completely straight (with the exception of cigarettes) for a long time. I'd had a huge problem with overusing drugs and drinking waaaay too much in my youth and (for me) my time spent completely clean and dry saved my life. I was resistant to even the thought of going back to smoking pot...until the day that i landed in the ER again because i was bleeding through a super plus tampon and a overnight pad in 15 mins with severe cramping, vomiting, and i'd gained about 15 pounds in "water weight" (bloating). This was the 3rd time i had been admitted for excessive bleeding, accute pain, and exhaustion (from the constant barrage of internal bleeding, throwing up and unrelenting pain) in the last 6 months. The ER doc called my OB (who had sent me there after i called) and the conclusion that they came to was that i should be on a dilauded pump for a few hours to stabilize the cramping and pain, given an IV full of hormones to stop the hemmoraging, and sent home with enough pain pills to sedate a walrus.
It's no small wonder that people end up unwitting dope addicts. After what I've experienced going through this journey that is chronic illness and chronic pain...I've had more synthetic opioid's thrown at me than i care to really think about. I never have to ask for them (unlike some people in my position who have to battle for pain management), i usually tell them i don't need that many...and to please just give me enough to get me over the hump. After telling them all that...i usually walk out with more pain pills than some cancer patients...
I hate the dope.
I was in the room with my siblings one day while they were "adjusting their brains" and my brother passed it to me. I hadn't smoked since i was about 18, and At the time i was throwing up again...this time because the vicodin wasn't agreeing with me and i couldn't keep it down long enough to get any relief. I was desperate for something...anything...that would help...so, out of desperation, i took a drag.
...and aside from the world not ending, one other remarkable thing happened. The nausea began to fade, and i was able to relax, and breathe. This may not seem like a lot, but in that moment, it was enough to give me SOME relief. I took one more drag, and with almost no fuzzy or "high" sensation...i was able to push back the nausea, and relax my body enough that the cramping let up...and the bleeding let up for a time as well.
It didn't eliminate the pain...but it didn't make me high and sleepy either. It helped me stop puking enough to eat a little bit of food, get my blood sugar up enough to not feel so shaky, and sit in front of the TV with a heating pad for about 25 mins and just relax.
Now.
I don't like feeling out of control high...and i don't when i do that (unlike the Vicodin that i have to take every 4 hours to get some relief). I'm not puking everything i eat. I am able to breathe for a sec.
I have no qualms about using that over the vicodin when i can. Ever. I'm not abusing it to get high. I'm saving myself from opiate withdrawal and the emergency room for excessive bleeding and accute pain.
Its not my fault that the federal government sees that as worthy of prison time...especially when the doctor is proscribing me a substance that is proven to be addictive and typically makes me feel worse afterward.
Can someone please explain this to me?
