I've always had a problem with self esteem. Boils down to a lifetime of bullies.
I tend to avoid looking at older photos of myself. Knowing that I will be skinnier in them. And end up using it as more fuel against myself. I'll see it as a failure that I have not stayed as skinny.
But I have to remeber that the past holds more than just what I looked like. It holds all the challenges and obsticals I was facing. all the pain I was feeling. the tears the yelling the hate.
Yes I was skinnier but I was so miserable. I forget that I was so skinny because of that.
Becuase my boyfriend would call me fat. Because I was too sad to eat. Because i always felt like he would leave if i wasnt "perfect"
Looking back at this photo I felt instant remorse for how I look now. but i forced myself to remeber. And now I see a broken girl. a girl who at that time didnt know life would get better.
My life now is beyond what i thought it would be.
I am a trillion times happier than I was years ago. I am happier with my body even though I still deal with my confidence. And I am so proud of everything I fought through to get here.
I'm going to remind myself of how far i have come I stead of how skinny I was from now on.
