inkdpanda

Hey SG Land!

I feel like it's been forever since I've last updated. My classes are going well. I love my teachers. On a great note object oriented programming finally clicked in my head!!!

I've been experimenting with Maya and 3DS Max 3D software and I've tried Maya and I feel it isn't for me. 3DS Max seems more my style and I've downloaded some really good tutorials. The hotkeys are different but I have a 14 button gaming mouse that I've mapped it out. I'm learning Unity 3D gaming engine and I haven't even started it because I need to learn a 3D modeling software. It is a huge undertaking but I need to do it for my portfolio. I looked at other people's portfolios and my seems way more advanced. But knowing the direction of the future 3D is the way to go. I'm excited to learn Unity because it has a lot to do with programming which is my strong suite. I know 3 pieces to work on but I need to complete a project first. Ugh

I like my classes except for my anthropology(sexuality and culture)- it's a bunch of freshman and sophomores who laugh at the words penis, vagina, and sexy underwear. the teacher is awkwardly docile and has no confidence-he's like a skiddish deer. And now i hate my teacher because she is SOOOOO ROOTED that EVERYTHING is sexual, anywhere from child pageants to close female/male friends to any possible aspect of the human dynamic! I said to here: "I think we have predisposition to sexuality because we are looking for it. We are clouded from objectivity because we already have a preemptive thought on what to look for" and she said "Let me show you something..." FUCKING BITCH IS SO CLOSE MINDED!!! it's either her way or fuck you you're obviously wrong and aren't grasping the "obvious" material She's so close minded it reminds me of people who don't think global warming or the holocaust exist!!! Ugh sooo retarded.

I HATE HATE HATE Quartz Composer!!!! It is so basic that is more tedious than user friendly. It is a GUI programming and is fucking retarded. I need to learn Pencil 2D animation for this project and I already know the basic of animation because I learned Flash back in the day. It shouldn't be too hard but it will definitely be time consuming. Once I get that done I can focus on 3ds max. 10 week quarters are a brutal time crunch for projects. I'm really excited for Digital Arts and I think it will be a great career in the future.

On a negative note(once again) I don't like my group of friends. They are the embodiment of the college scene and just get fucked up. I HATE drugs and that's all they do. They are not only smoking weed but experimenting with cocaine, acid, and other harder drugs. I grew out of that shit when I was 17. I'm over 4 years sober and it makes me very angry that I'm back in that environment. I met a good guy in the group named Tom who feels similar to my complaints. He is definitely more mature than most in the group. This group's recreation and socializing is to get fucked up. Like I said I want adult relationships with true friendships and not just acquaintances. I want to have a social group where we go out to dinner and have a long slow one where we laugh and joke and talk about real things in life. I want a group that goes to movies, barbecues, disc golf, and a group that makes(like my old group of friends did) summer a memorable experience. I always say the best experience I've had since I've moved to Oregon was that I was walking to a football game and this little kid was saying Go ducks and I would SCREAM GO DUCKS!!!! We went back and forth like that for about 5 minutes while I was walking through campus. I don't know if it's sad that a little 5 year old kid made me have the happiest time I've had here. I met a very down to earth and sweet girl named Halorie who I figured out has a boyfriend(which is ultimately for me a lot better because I love having female friends with no sexual or emotional tension). I hope I can become good friends with her. She likes the nerdy and techy qualities in me versus my class thinking I'm a computer and programming nerd/junkie.

I'm still feeling quite lonely and out of place here. I want a girlfriend not to fix my life and make me happy like most people, but I want someone who can accentuate my life, not to fill a void. I wonder why people get into relationships; if they do it for normalcy, comfort of not being alone, if they have a true friendship and relationship, and overall if it is superficial or very real. I know with my girlfriends that I've had in the past I always want to make my girl laugh. We have serious conversations and I don't mind- and actually prefer- if my girl gets emotional around me because it shows they put a vote in confidence in me which I greatly appreciate. I like to show my girlfriend the fun and energetic side of life while also developing a deep and close emotional bond. I know how I treat a girl, with respect, appreciation, validation, caring, and(eventually) love. I don't see most people in relationships displaying that. They seem to just enjoy company, superficial activities, and not the way I would view a relationship. Hell when I have my emotional one night stands with people I give them more closure and inner peace than their previous boyfriends combined. And I ask them why you aren't treated like this; I barely even know you and you had a better night with me than with your boyfriend. They can't answer and can't describe me(which makes me feel unvalidated, not connected, and lonely). But I treat people like this(and especially women) just because it is the right, real, and honest thing to do. And I don't know if most people my age or a generation above me do this with their friends and partners. Maybe one day I'll find that group of friends and a girl to validate and appreciate what I have to offer.

I' bought a PANDA hat today that says panda in Chinese on the back!!!! Ahhhhh so excited! While I was walking to get my Panda hat they were selling beanie babies and they had a panda one for $1! OF COURSE I got it!

I signed on with a talent agent and it's at a hangup because the recording studio is under some(so they say) major renovations. BUT once that is done and I pay $60 for 4 hours(2 hours coaching 2 hours studio recording) and pay for a headshot/bodyshot I can put my profile up on the site. I thought it would cost $300+ to get this career started and it's actually super cheap! I want to get new tattoos it's been a whole year since I've gotten one and I was going to get one back in September but I got fired from my job because my manager HATED me(everyone loved me and said was the best one they had; but my manager was a total bitch).

I haven't been able to exercise because I've got so much school work and portfolio work. I can still get hernias from my gallbladder recovery so it'll take another 6-8 weeks to get remotely started with lifting again.

All in all I'm pretty busy, lonely, searching for purpose in life, and a lot of introspective thinking and behaviors. But I'm keeping my head up and my spirits high so I'm not letting all this shit weigh me down. I hope all of you are doing well and are enjoying life!

Take care SG!


~Panda