inkdpanda

I see everyone's energy, feel it, and breathe it in. I have none to call my own-none to bring me comfort and emotional stability. I give so much energy to everyone I meet, yet they stay for a night and never are heard from again. This is my life-a paradoxical deep moment that will never turn into a friendship with the ones I give it to. I can't feel my own energy-I feed, feel, and live for other's energy. At the end of the day, I am alone, lost, numb, and void of all energy. The worst part is no one can actually give me energy-I must feed it from the energy they give off. High states of emotion in others are the only time I truly feel connected to this world. But those moments last at most for a day and then I never interact with that person again-as much as they truly enjoyed that experience. Maybe I am just a shroud of void-ever consuming energy that I give, yet never retaining even the most minute amount. No one knows this-even when they do they have nothing to say. They have nothing to say because there are no words that could even begin to express what I feel. All they say is, I'm sorry as if that condolence does any good at all-if anything it strengthens the isolation. In that state, all I want is someone to consciously and truthfully and emotionally give me energy. Yet their energy is static-no it is void of leaving its vessel. Why? Why can no one help me? Why can no one counsel with me? They can do it to any other person in the world, yet for some reason no one can even describe. I am different. And that is all they say-different and unique. Somehow there are no words for me, none to describe the energy I give, or the energy I desperately need. And I cry, alone with no one to give emotional comfort. Even if I do cry in front of people, they are deeply disturbed and are even scared to say anything or touch me. And on the chance that they do try to offer me an empathetic touch it is the exact opposite. There is no empathy, sympathy, or closure to the agony I live. Yet it is only for me this void of emotional closure exists. They touch me because they do not know what to do, but even then they do not hold me, sit with me, or speak to me-I just cry harder and harder that they just leave. They leave because they are powerless and fear anything they say could harm me more. I have to use the phrase Good ol' Mike which is a sick that the fact this term even has to have an existence. I cry alone- feeling empty, numb, vulnerable, raw, alone, and hopeless. And when I return from a state in which no one can help me, I am drained for the day. There is so much energy I see, yet if I even try to interact with it I burst into tears. I then go home and cry harder-shedding so many tears my eyes sting and I just want to die to escape this void. I wonder what life would be if I wasn't around, if anyone would notice bar the fact that my death was announced. No one calls me, or interacts with me if I don't initiate the conversation. So would anyone miss me? They already have no contact with me so what would the difference be if I was not alive anymore? I really don't see any difference. It makes me want to act on that suicidal thought. It would make my existence so much easier than searching for something no one can give me. The only comfort I have are my tattoos; which when I am in this state taunt me for the fact no one cares for me enough to talk to me. I just want to sleep-my dreams are my only sanction. I just imagine death would be dreaming forever-I've felt that endless dream before. And it feels good, an epiphany beyond mortality. That endless dream that takes away all the pain, scars and void. It is something only death-touched people find true ultimate comfort in. Yet we always think there is something better-the truth is we experience our whole life with nothing. We find comfort in consuming energy to fill that nothingness. But when we realize just how empty, hollow, void, and full of nothing that we actually are do we pray for that dream. When we are in this state seeing any energy at all feels like a taunt and reminder you will forever be alone, empty ,have no closure or empathy, and to just end your life. One day I am going to-for this feeling always returns. Yet I hope for it to go away for good, at the end of the day it's very clear to me how I always truly feel. Even the thing I most identify myself as-bipolar-when I meet other bipolar people they can never connect to me yet I bring them empathy comfort and closure that they've been searching for their whole lives. And that is how it always ends-closure and epiphanies for them, empty nothingness for me. And it only when I realize this fact do I long for that eternal dream. I will give it one more shot-though I know how it ends. That will be the deciding day(this is what I say to myself every-time- I just want to see if it will change.)