Programming is an art form that fights back.-so true
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.-so true
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.-so true
Programming is a lot like sex. One mistake and you're providing support for a lifetime.
How many programers dose it take to change a light bulb?
None Its a hardare problem
"Never put off until run time what you can do at compile time."
We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who dont.
Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.
A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, Cant you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!
To which the man replies, I am a programmer. We dont worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.
All programmers are playwrights, and all computers are lousy actors.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
Debugging: Removing the needles from the haystack.
An engineer, a manager, and a programmer are riding in a car. They come to a hill and their brakes fail. After careening down the hill and finally coming to a stop they get out to decide what to do. The manager says We need to have a meeting to form a committee to see what we should do next! The engineer says, Screw that! Give me a pocket knife and some duck tape and Ill have us going in no time! The programmer looks at them both and says, Lets push it back to the top and see if it does it again.
An int, a char and a string walk into a bar and order some drinks. A short while later, the int and char start hitting on the waitress who gets very uncomfortable and walks away. The string walks up to the waitress and says Youll have to forgive them, theyre primitive types.
A programmers wife sends him to the grocery store with the instructions, get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen. He comes home with a dozen loaf of bread and tells her, they had eggs.
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, If you kiss me, Ill turn into a beautiful princess. He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero. The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week. The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, Ill stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want. Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, What is the matter? Ive told you Im a beautiful princess, that Ill stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why wont you kiss me?
The man said, Look, Im a computer programmer. I dont have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.
A man walks into a pet shop containing various different types of animals, and notices that theyre very expensive. He points at a monkey, and asks the pet shop owner This monkey costs 40,000! Why is it so expensive? The pet shop owner replies, Ah, thats a special monkey, that it can program in Java good for enterprise programming and web stuff. The man looks around a bit more, and notices another more expensive monkey. He asks the pet shop owner This one costs 50,000 what does this one do? The pet shop owner says Thats a C++ monkey. More advanced, low-level and faster code. The man accepts this and looks around the pet shop a bit more. He then sees another even more expensive monkey. Good god this monkey costs 70,000 what on earth does it do? he asks. Well, Ive never actually seen that monkey do anything, said the pet shop owner, but the other monkeys call it the project manager.
A programmer goes out with a chick. Next day he tells his friend how the date went: It was raining, we were soaked. We went to her place where she started to undress before me Then she threw the wet clothes on the computer Wow what kind of computer? the other says.
- "Have you heard about the object-oriented way to become wealthy?"
- "No..."
- "Inheritance."
Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.
Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
Because it is below C level.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 ? inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
Software Development Cycle
Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
Users find 137 new bugs.
Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free...
They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"
The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."
The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years."
"No", replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."
Ten Commandments for Stress Free Programming
Thou shalt not worry about bugs.
Bugs in your software are actually special features.
Thou shalt not fix abort conditions.
Your user has a better chance of winning state lottery than getting the same abort again.
Thou shalt not handle errors.
Error handing was meant for error prone people, neither you or your users are error prone.
Thou shalt not restrict users.
Don't do any editing, let the user input anything, anywhere, anytime. That is being very user friendly.
Thou shalt not optimize.
Your users are very thankful to get the information, they don't worry about speed and efficiency.
Thou shalt not provide help.
If your users can not figure out themselves how to use your software than they are too dumb to deserve the benefits of your software anyway.
Thou shalt not document.
Documentation only comes in handy for making future modifications. You made the software perfect the first time, it will never need modifications.
Thou shalt not hurry.
Only the cute and the mighty should get the program by deadline.
Thou shalt not revise.
Your interpretation of specs was right, you know the users' requirements better than them.
Thou shalt not share.
If other programmers needed some of your code, they should have written it themselves.
Drug Dealers and Software Engineers - A Comparison
Drug Dealers Software Engineers
"The first one is free" "Download a free trial version"
Have important South-Asia connections (to help move the stuff) Have important South-Asia connections (to help debug the code)
Strange jargon: "Stick", "Rock", "Dime bag", "E" Strange jargon: "TCP/IP", "XML", "Java", "SQL"
Realize that there's a ton of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market Realize that there's a ton of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market
Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, more potent mixes Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines
Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists
Their products cause unhealthy addictions. DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D.; Enough said.
Do your job well and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you Damn! Damn! DAMN!
Don't get sucked in by comments--only debug code.
Windows 95 is a 32 bit extension for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
Why did the private boarding school reject OO software designer go to work in defence?
Because someone said there would be 'class' warfare!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
epic
i understand all of thee and it makes me realize i'm such a code monkey haha.
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.-so true
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.-so true
Programming is a lot like sex. One mistake and you're providing support for a lifetime.
How many programers dose it take to change a light bulb?
None Its a hardare problem
"Never put off until run time what you can do at compile time."
We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who dont.
Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.
A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, Cant you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!
To which the man replies, I am a programmer. We dont worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.
All programmers are playwrights, and all computers are lousy actors.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
Debugging: Removing the needles from the haystack.
An engineer, a manager, and a programmer are riding in a car. They come to a hill and their brakes fail. After careening down the hill and finally coming to a stop they get out to decide what to do. The manager says We need to have a meeting to form a committee to see what we should do next! The engineer says, Screw that! Give me a pocket knife and some duck tape and Ill have us going in no time! The programmer looks at them both and says, Lets push it back to the top and see if it does it again.
An int, a char and a string walk into a bar and order some drinks. A short while later, the int and char start hitting on the waitress who gets very uncomfortable and walks away. The string walks up to the waitress and says Youll have to forgive them, theyre primitive types.
A programmers wife sends him to the grocery store with the instructions, get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen. He comes home with a dozen loaf of bread and tells her, they had eggs.
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, If you kiss me, Ill turn into a beautiful princess. He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero. The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week. The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, Ill stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want. Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, What is the matter? Ive told you Im a beautiful princess, that Ill stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why wont you kiss me?
The man said, Look, Im a computer programmer. I dont have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.
A man walks into a pet shop containing various different types of animals, and notices that theyre very expensive. He points at a monkey, and asks the pet shop owner This monkey costs 40,000! Why is it so expensive? The pet shop owner replies, Ah, thats a special monkey, that it can program in Java good for enterprise programming and web stuff. The man looks around a bit more, and notices another more expensive monkey. He asks the pet shop owner This one costs 50,000 what does this one do? The pet shop owner says Thats a C++ monkey. More advanced, low-level and faster code. The man accepts this and looks around the pet shop a bit more. He then sees another even more expensive monkey. Good god this monkey costs 70,000 what on earth does it do? he asks. Well, Ive never actually seen that monkey do anything, said the pet shop owner, but the other monkeys call it the project manager.
A programmer goes out with a chick. Next day he tells his friend how the date went: It was raining, we were soaked. We went to her place where she started to undress before me Then she threw the wet clothes on the computer Wow what kind of computer? the other says.
- "Have you heard about the object-oriented way to become wealthy?"
- "No..."
- "Inheritance."
Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.
Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
Because it is below C level.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 ? inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
Software Development Cycle
Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
Users find 137 new bugs.
Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free...
They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"
The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."
The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years."
"No", replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."
Ten Commandments for Stress Free Programming
Thou shalt not worry about bugs.
Bugs in your software are actually special features.
Thou shalt not fix abort conditions.
Your user has a better chance of winning state lottery than getting the same abort again.
Thou shalt not handle errors.
Error handing was meant for error prone people, neither you or your users are error prone.
Thou shalt not restrict users.
Don't do any editing, let the user input anything, anywhere, anytime. That is being very user friendly.
Thou shalt not optimize.
Your users are very thankful to get the information, they don't worry about speed and efficiency.
Thou shalt not provide help.
If your users can not figure out themselves how to use your software than they are too dumb to deserve the benefits of your software anyway.
Thou shalt not document.
Documentation only comes in handy for making future modifications. You made the software perfect the first time, it will never need modifications.
Thou shalt not hurry.
Only the cute and the mighty should get the program by deadline.
Thou shalt not revise.
Your interpretation of specs was right, you know the users' requirements better than them.
Thou shalt not share.
If other programmers needed some of your code, they should have written it themselves.
Drug Dealers and Software Engineers - A Comparison
Drug Dealers Software Engineers
"The first one is free" "Download a free trial version"
Have important South-Asia connections (to help move the stuff) Have important South-Asia connections (to help debug the code)
Strange jargon: "Stick", "Rock", "Dime bag", "E" Strange jargon: "TCP/IP", "XML", "Java", "SQL"
Realize that there's a ton of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market Realize that there's a ton of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market
Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, more potent mixes Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines
Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists
Their products cause unhealthy addictions. DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D.; Enough said.
Do your job well and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you Damn! Damn! DAMN!
Don't get sucked in by comments--only debug code.
Windows 95 is a 32 bit extension for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
Why did the private boarding school reject OO software designer go to work in defence?
Because someone said there would be 'class' warfare!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
epic
i understand all of thee and it makes me realize i'm such a code monkey haha.