Friday Apr 16, 2010

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60 hour weeks at the office are no fun. at all. especially when the medication im for my stomach (happens to be an anti-depressant to boot) makes sleep choppy.

in all honesty, i thought it was crap when i was first given an anti depressant for what i was told was a case of ibs. however, i was considering counseling at the same time for my moods. for the longest time ive struggled with anger and whats probably always been bouts of depression. there were times since i started having stomach issues back in september where i thought i couldnt take what was happening to me. id cry on a whim, and have really bad mental images of myself. i was still going to physical therapy for my shoulder at the time, and i told my physical therapist (a woman i trusted and confided in way more than is probably the norm) that i just couldnt handle what was going on.

im not sure i ever seriously considered suicide, since ive always viewed it as giving up. a little faith-based background in the spoiler.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

i've been a born-again christian since i was in high school. not really a practicing christian the last few years, but the kind of faith i used to have hasnt entirely faded. i was taught that in life God never gives you anything you cant handle. ive always viewed suicide as giving up on God, having the conviction that tomorrow wouldnt be better, and that what i was going through was more than i could bear. i thought it was giving up. i dont like the idea that i cant survive my troubles. might not have come out of things without scars, but ive always come out of things. might or might not be a lot of things, but ive always thought of myself as a survivor.



not only has my digestion evened out, but so have my moods. no wild swings like i used to have, no towering columns of anger, or thoughts about stepping in front of an oncoming 4 train. still, tired and frustrated at work this week, more came out than it should have. ive always had a problem keeping my personal life and most honest thoughts from the person i should be at work. being tired, angry, frustrated is no excuse for being an ass to my coworkers.

anyway. kinda drunk and i think this is all over the place. gonna drink some more, watch a movie, and try and sleep. things arent exactly as id wish them to be, but when i think about it, things are actually pretty good.

night.

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