i keep thinking and planning to update, and then never do. im on the site, but just lurking around.
i wrote this in an email earlier this evening. suppose well call this a cheaters update.
i figured out what was really bothering me, on, of all places, the bus
coming home. its not really necessarily that i need a change. im
starting to worry that im suddenly going to wake up and be 60 and
realize that i didnt do what i wanted. im afraid of not having some
sort of impact or influence on the causes i believe in.
i decided to go to law school because i thought that would be the best
way to do something about the environment. if something was fucked up,
i could find a cause of action and take someone to court and hopefully
make a great argument and win a favorable decision. now im out of law
school and its been a while and im starting to get crazy because im not
sure now how im going to be able to make an impact. and a part of me
keeps thinking that the only way to do that is to go back and get
another degree and get a job with more responsibility do something that
way. id also make more money in the long run which is always nice.
its also possible that the place i could make an impact is right where
im at. this girl that i work with, heidi, and i are trying to push for
___ to revise our policy on social and environmental issues. we have to
prove to a lot of smart people that voting in favor of proposals that
are socially and environmentally responsible is a good way to increase
shareholder value and make people money. id like
to think that revising our guidelines would not only help ___ gain us
marketshare, but also help us out in europe and japan, places,
especially europe, that are lightyears ahead of the us in terms of
social and environmental issues. if we get more clients and grow, more
people see the research and maybe take our advice and slowly shit
happens.
i dunno. but i think thats the core of whats bothering me. for maybe
the first time ever i realize i have a finite amount of time to make an
impact. the last thing i want is to die and think that the world isnt
better off because of what ive done. it both worries me and pisses me
off mightly to think that i might not be able to do such things because
i dont make or have enough money to get the education i want/need.
ive looked at environmental masters programs around the bay, and i realize i kinda fucked myself when i was in college. if i knew, or maybe just realized, then what i know now, that i wasnt ready at all for law school, that my loan payments would be as much as they are, or that i would need to have some background or education in the physical environmental sciences. theres a sweet sounding masters program at usf. earn a degree in two years going to class full time on the weekends. trick is that some education or experience in chemistry is one of the admissions requirements, which i dont have. the program at berkley is the same way. theres a public policy masters program at berkley, but im not sure i had good enough grades to get in. and honestly, even if i could get into a program, i have no fucking idea how id ever be able to afford it. thats what pisses me off the most, especially knowing that all the debt i have i could have avoided by going to school in wyoming. would i have ended up in san francisco? possibly, but probably not. and i loved, still love, msu.
thats the biggest problem with life. you learn so much along the way, which is great. but some of the mistakes you learn from are the kind you only get one shot at: you either nail it the first time, or fail and learn a lot. great, but the value of that knowledge seems less if i cant avoid making the same mistake again.
it comes and goes, but im lonely again. just a little. ive been single for better than three years. dont know how to go out and meet someone awesome.
getting late for me though. i work east coast hours now. the alarm goes off at 4am. one more little thing putting a damper on any type of social life id like to cultivate.
if youre reading this, i hope all is well with you and yours. night.
i wrote this in an email earlier this evening. suppose well call this a cheaters update.
i figured out what was really bothering me, on, of all places, the bus
coming home. its not really necessarily that i need a change. im
starting to worry that im suddenly going to wake up and be 60 and
realize that i didnt do what i wanted. im afraid of not having some
sort of impact or influence on the causes i believe in.
i decided to go to law school because i thought that would be the best
way to do something about the environment. if something was fucked up,
i could find a cause of action and take someone to court and hopefully
make a great argument and win a favorable decision. now im out of law
school and its been a while and im starting to get crazy because im not
sure now how im going to be able to make an impact. and a part of me
keeps thinking that the only way to do that is to go back and get
another degree and get a job with more responsibility do something that
way. id also make more money in the long run which is always nice.
its also possible that the place i could make an impact is right where
im at. this girl that i work with, heidi, and i are trying to push for
___ to revise our policy on social and environmental issues. we have to
prove to a lot of smart people that voting in favor of proposals that
are socially and environmentally responsible is a good way to increase
shareholder value and make people money. id like
to think that revising our guidelines would not only help ___ gain us
marketshare, but also help us out in europe and japan, places,
especially europe, that are lightyears ahead of the us in terms of
social and environmental issues. if we get more clients and grow, more
people see the research and maybe take our advice and slowly shit
happens.
i dunno. but i think thats the core of whats bothering me. for maybe
the first time ever i realize i have a finite amount of time to make an
impact. the last thing i want is to die and think that the world isnt
better off because of what ive done. it both worries me and pisses me
off mightly to think that i might not be able to do such things because
i dont make or have enough money to get the education i want/need.
ive looked at environmental masters programs around the bay, and i realize i kinda fucked myself when i was in college. if i knew, or maybe just realized, then what i know now, that i wasnt ready at all for law school, that my loan payments would be as much as they are, or that i would need to have some background or education in the physical environmental sciences. theres a sweet sounding masters program at usf. earn a degree in two years going to class full time on the weekends. trick is that some education or experience in chemistry is one of the admissions requirements, which i dont have. the program at berkley is the same way. theres a public policy masters program at berkley, but im not sure i had good enough grades to get in. and honestly, even if i could get into a program, i have no fucking idea how id ever be able to afford it. thats what pisses me off the most, especially knowing that all the debt i have i could have avoided by going to school in wyoming. would i have ended up in san francisco? possibly, but probably not. and i loved, still love, msu.
thats the biggest problem with life. you learn so much along the way, which is great. but some of the mistakes you learn from are the kind you only get one shot at: you either nail it the first time, or fail and learn a lot. great, but the value of that knowledge seems less if i cant avoid making the same mistake again.
it comes and goes, but im lonely again. just a little. ive been single for better than three years. dont know how to go out and meet someone awesome.
getting late for me though. i work east coast hours now. the alarm goes off at 4am. one more little thing putting a damper on any type of social life id like to cultivate.
if youre reading this, i hope all is well with you and yours. night.