is it the last day of september that makes it finally feel like fall in san francisco? fifth week of college football maybe? weather plays a part today im sure. cool, sunny, little breeze off the bay in the afternoon. clouding up a little now. smells like fall today too. halloween decorations, candy in the stores, costume shops showing up again on market.
a little up and down. last weekend was tough. that mid 20s cliche bullshit? struck me a little. brought something i find particularly disturbing, that being that ive had moments of serious doubt about my faith. very unsettling, since ive used it as my foundation for the last 8 years. someone that believes that i do should have no fear of death. the Bible says death and the soul's arrival in heaven is our reward both for our faith and our works done while we lived. death is God calling a believer home, a way of saying that our purpose on the earth has been fulfilled. and there are times where the fear of death (or as a friend rather accurately described it, a fear not of death, but of not really living) has made me curl into a ball and shake. i hate that feeling. what is it about this stage of life, these particular events, that makes me question something so fundamental to who i am? its odd.
but this week was better. the work at the office at last turned into something i could finally perceive as my job. all the odd jobs, the random work for my coworkers, theres been utility to it. its helped me learn the system we use, information ill need later. but this week, as much as it made me nervous, was the real beginning of my job. i was on the phone, sending out constant emails, getting things done. felt stupid at times, and thought it was funny in a sad sort of way that i was getting so nervous about talking on the phone and sounding like i didnt know what i was talking about that i was forgetting to leave my number in voicemails. never had a job where i had to do this kind of thing. lol. i feel ridiculous even typing this. *shrug*
semblance of a social life helped a lot i think. student loans and just now making ok money, among other things, have made it difficult. but bowling and lots of beer on a little office outing was what i needed. found out something about a coworker (bad news im aware) that makes me like her more. nothing is going to come of it i know, but its been a long time since ive been involved with anything like that, its nice to think about it.
trying to quit smoking again. weaning myself away. did well this week until we started drinking friday. back on track now. couple of weeks maybe, and ill be through. i enjoy a cigarette sometimes, but its time to stop.
other random thought. my friends and family know well that procrastination is my default work position. im discovering, the older i get, the more 'real life' responsibility i take on, that you can get away with it less and less. fucking yourself this way starts to loose the pleasure it once held, and simply becomes routine.
i stood outside looking the bay and the skyline and told myself to see where i was in a month. theres been some progress, which im happy for, but it looks like i need to tell myself the same thing for october. second thought, well see where i am on my birthday. maybe life will give me something nice this year.
housecleaning to do. and wow, which im playing for the first time in about three weeks.
night.