incompetent

so... i think i'm unhappy.

i don't actually do anything. i don't really have close friends. i don't really like anything or anybody all that much. i don't enjoy anything. it seems like all the people, relationships, possessions and pasttimes in my life are all neutral... from my job to my sex life. going nowhere, and not doing anything while they're here. stale. removed. anaesthesized.

i haven't actually had fun in a long time. i don't know what it feels like. well, actually i do, it feels just like everything else... empty, hollow, like it's not really there. like i'm not really here.

what do you do when you don't know how you feel about anything? quit everything and start over? keep going until you lose your mind? what if it's not the things in your life that are heartless, inept, frail, asinine...........it's just you?



in a few months i'm going to portland oregon for a week, to visit my brother and spend some time with people that i don't talk to much anymore. i hope somehow i can get a grasp on what the fucking problem is while i'm there. i'm just not happening. it feels like anything i do one day will be cancelled (or dead) by the next, and i'll be living the same day over and over until i don't even know the difference between them.
this is probably just one of the inane casualties of being truly useless... in which case it will always be the same for me, and change or improvement is a mirage of my embittered imagination.. it's gonna be cold, it's gonna be gray, and it's going to last me the rest of my life.



i just ended an entry with shai hulud lyrics.