incompetent

i'm in new hampshire. i've been here for a few days. i leave tomorrow night.

i got rained on today. a lot. it felt amazing. now i know what phil collins was talking about.

my laptop screen cracked and there's big black blobs in the lcd. yay, another way to waste money.

i turned 23 a few days ago. some people remembered. it was nice.

i did some tattoos. here's one:


i'm going to buy a new acoustic guitar soon, and start a new musical project for myself. the past few days and their subsequent personal interactions have burped up the realization that i'm finally at a point in my life where i can properly reflect on it's casualties. i'm old. i'm smart. i've been loved. i've been torn apart. i feel happiness and pain both in a much different way than i did a few years ago, even a few months ago... both laced with doubt and sour grapes. that's the kinda shit that makes good songs. plus i'm finally recognizing the trials and tribulations of lives that aren't mine, so this project won't be very self-centered either...i wouldn't want to do it if it was, and i think i've held off until now because i felt like it would be.

i had a really depressing conversation with my dad the other night. it just falsified another pretense that i had been living under; called attention to another thing i was wrong about. i'm starting to wonder why i do anything the way i do... it seems i've greatly underestimated my own naivete. terrible things happen to great people. good people do terrible things to others. hard work and selflessness don't pay off. unconditional love is conditional.

i'm not being a weiner, here, people. i'm a positive guy. i love my life and the things in it. it just made me sad. my dad is a great guy and an even better father, who has done and continues to do any and everything for our family. he's managed to raise some very succesful, well-adjusted adults with my mother, and i am incredibly thankful to have had him as my dad. but he's also a man with dreams and desires of his own and for his family... none of which, no matter how meager, have managed to come to fruition for him. i thought people generally got what they deserved, that karma usually came around for the most part. and he just deserves better.... things are not great for them right now. maybe karma comes in the form of me winning the lottery and buying him a sailboat. one can only hope, i guess.

anyway. i'm going to bed. thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes. see you in portland.